This Strange Joe Pesci Christmas Song Is The Reason For The Season

It's Christmas Eve! You've likely already finished work and are ready to head into the holiday, drink some eggnog, open some gifts, and listen to Christmas music. While you've heard all the standard Christmas tunes hundreds of times by now, here's one you might not have heard. A song performed by none other than Mr. Joe Pesci, star of GoodFellas. Hear the Joe Pesci Christmas song below!

First, a warning: this song is NSFW. But if you're honestly still at work on Christmas Eve, you need to go the hell home right now.

In 1998, Pesci released the album Vincent LaGuardia Gambini Sings Just for You. It was actually his second album overall, having released another in the 1960s. As you might have guessed from the title, the album finds Pesci singing in character as Vincent Gambini, his character from the comedy My Cousin Vinny. Why exactly would Pesci release such a thing? You'll have to ask him. The album arrived around the time Pesci more or less retired from acting. He would only appear in two more films after the release of this album: 1999's Lethal Weapon 4, and 2007's The Good Shepard, in which he had what amounted to a cameo. He'll finally return to acting after 12 years in Martin Scorsese's The Irishman, due out from Netflix in 2019.

While we all wait for Mr. Pesci's triumphant return, let's revisit his strange album – and one song in particular. Nestled amongst tracks titled "Wise Guy" and "Take Your Love And Shove It" is the above song, "If It Doesn't Snow For Christmas." That's right, if you've ever watched GoodFellas or Home Alone or 8 Heads In a Duffle Bag and thought, "I sure wish Academy Award winner Joe Pesci would record a Christmas song!", your time has come at last!

Featuring lyrics like "If it doesn't snow on Christmas/How's fatso goin' to use that sleigh?" and "How'll fatso get around to us/Say he breaks down on his way to town/Will they let him use a bus", this song is, to be blunt, terrible. But for those who cherish morbid curiosities, this is a must-listen. It's Joe Pesci, crooning out an awful tune about Santa Claus being too fat to ride a sleigh without snow. That's it. That's the moral of the song. So put another log on the fire, roast come chestnuts, and blast this song for your entire family to hear. It's the gift that keeps on giving. Merry Christmas!