The Accents Of Bullet Train Ranked

Note: this post contains spoilers for "Bullet Train."

After what seems like a lifetime of waiting and watching different variations of the same trailer, "Bullet Train" has finally arrived in theaters. David Leitch's return to the director's chair is bound to be pretty divisive, but there is a bit of fun that can be had if you know you'll be watching some silly things unfold.

Case in point: the various accents being used by the movie's primarily-American actors. If you are like me and are mildly obsessed with movie accents that don't sound quite right, then "Bullet Train" is the movie for you. None of these accents aren't quite on the level of Robert Pattinson in "The Devil All The Time," but some are pretty damn close. Just how good are these accents, though? I've ranked them all from most baffling to most cohesive.

I should note that this list does not include actors in the movie speaking in their natural dialects, so cast members like Hiroyuki Sanada and Benito A Martínez Ocasio will not be mentioned here. This list is for the goofy and clearly-not-natural accents everyone else is putting on.

I'm going to be completely honest here; I have no idea what Shannon was trying to do with this voice. While it is explicitly said that he is Russian, the accent he decides to use for this character is all over the place. Sometimes, it sounds like his usual American accent. Other times, he sounds a bit French, but none of the voices I heard coming from his mouth sounded Russian. This hodgepodge of dialects gets even funnier when we get to the accents The White Death's two kids put on.

Speaking of The White Death's kids, let's briefly talk about The Son and his Russian accent. The White Death's ill-fated and face-tattooed child has a brief but pretty pivotal role in the film, although Lerman's attempt at an accent isn't the most consistent. I couldn't really tell at times, though, as he sounds very sleepy throughout his screen time, which might have been done to help out his accent skills. After all, can you ever really tell what someone sounds like when they're slurring their words? While this is true to some degree, he also doesn't talk long enough to gauge whether this was an effective strategy, as you can probably see above.

If we're being honest, I got a little nervous hearing this British accent at the beginning of the movie. Try as he might, Henry's real American accent was slipping out more than a few times upon Lemon's introduction in the film. It wasn't the most consistent nor the most convincing, but eventually, he pulled through and was able to keep the British accent going for the rest of his screen time. At times, it even sounded really natural. Good for him!

This performance has one thing that the others below it don't have, and that's consistency. There is not a single moment in this movie where King lets the posh accent she's using for this character slip, and given how it is very clear that she's American, that's actually kind of impressive.

That being said, she's still supposed to be Russian, something that her accent here clearly isn't, and that makes the fact that The White Death, The Son, and The Prince are directly related to each other that much funnier. Did The White Death just send her away to the U.K. in the film's canon? Did the three actors know they were supposed to be related? There are many questions here that need to be answered immediately, but unfortunately, they probably won't be answered in a theoretical sequel. You know, because they're all dead now.

Finally, we have the crème de la crème of "Bullet Train's" ridiculous accents. I only picked up on around half of what Taylor-Johnson was saying half the time, and that's what makes it so good. What is really special about this particular accent is that Taylor-Johnson is emphasizing his natural British accent to its limits.

He sounds like a cross between a "Peaky Blinders" character and a "Love Island" contestant. His accent here carries major "Oy, Mista! You Me Dad?" energy. I could probably go on forever about how he sounds like the most British person possible, but you would all probably get sick of me. But it is true. Don't lie.

"Bullet Train" is now in theaters.