Jabba The Hutt's Badass Lady Cousin Is 2022 Goals

This post contains minor spoilers for the latest episode of "The Book of Boba Fett."

There are a few universal truths in the world of "Star Wars": Yoda was the most powerful and respected Jedi of all, Han shot first, and if you're a woman who likes "Star Wars," some cheeto-dusted jackwagon is going to compare your appearance to Jabba the Hutt at some point for merely existing. Jabba's design was based on the shape and movement of slugs, but also a real-life human being, actor Sydney Greenstreet ("Casablanca," "The Maltese Falcon"). Despite the fact that Jabba ... wait, I'm sorry, His Excellency Jabba Desilijic Tiure of Nal Hutta, Eminence of Tatooine, was one of the most influential, feared, and powerful crime lords in the galaxy, his existence has been used as shorthand for "fat and gross" since his introduction. Who cares about Jabba's accomplishments as a criminal mastermind when you can poke fun at his appearance? That attitude is old, crusty, and quite frankly, BORING.

This week's episode of "The Book of Boba Fett" continues the title character's story as the new Daimyo, but introduces the currently unnamed fraternal twin cousins of Jabba who want to challenge Fett for the throne. The second they turned the corner and I caught my first glimpse of Jabba's lady cousin, I was smitten, nay, INSPIRED. I'm not one for new year's resolutions, but if I had to choose, it would be embracing my inner Lady Hutt, a comparison I've heard made to myself many times before, and living my life accordingly.

The first change I need to make to correctly embrace my inner Lady Hutt is an upgrade to my form of transportation. I'm pretty proud of my current lesbian mom van, but I deserve the ability to be carried by a gaggle of men who obey my every word out of fear, and I certainly deserve to enter any space with my own entrance music. Lady Hutt has a barrel bass drum, but I'm thinking keytar. The next step is to completely abandon all forms of supportive garments. Shapewear? Bras? We're done here. I'm letting it all hang out in 2022, and investing in a clack fan.

I also must perfect the aura and attitude of a Lady Hutt. As far as I'm concerned, Hutts have it made. They do whatever they want, eat whatever they want, boss around men, kill their enemies, and in the best possible scenario, die from being choked out by the hottest woman in the galaxy. In real life, the government is a disaster, we're surrounded by idiots, and the environment is crumbling. I truly have no time to waste on insolent behavior from losers who still think comparing a woman to Jabba the Hutt is some super sick burn. This year, my motto is "Worship Me, Respect Me, Fear Me, or Prepare to Have a Bad Time." Thank you, Lady Hutt. I'll try my best to make you proud, and if anyone has an issue with that ... y'all already know she knows how to handle it.

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