Will There Ever Be A Jingle All The Way 3? Here's What We Know

In "Jingle All The Way," Arnold Schwarzenegger stars as a stereotypical workaholic '90s dad named Howard on the dreaded Christmas Eve journey trying to track down the hottest toy of the season, the Turbo Man he neglected to buy his son weeks ago like his wife asked. On his toy hunt, he meets another father on a similar pursuit, mailman Myron (Sinbad). With Christmas on the horizon and his neighbor Ted (Phil Hartman) trying to insert himself between Howard and his wife Liz (Rita Wilson), Howard has to save Christmas, and his relationship with his family.

Okay, look. I know people think "Jingle All The Way" is a steaming pile of crap, but I unironically and heartily disagree. Try and tell me the late, great Phil Hartman moaning, "Oh Howard, your wife's cookies!" and Arnold Schwarzenegger scaring women at a payphone by shouting "Put that cookie down, now!" is not campy comedy gold, I dare you.

The movie was a critical failure ('cause some of y'all are haters) but has been gaining popularity as '90s kids grow up and pass the film down to their own children, and many revisited reviews have come to the film's defense. And then 2014 brought "Jingle All The Way 2" starring *checks notes* Larry the Cable Guy. The original film was released alongside "Space Jam" and "Star Trek: First Contact," both properties that have been revived in recent years, so many are now questioning if there will be a "Jingle All The Way 3."

No, dear reader, your eyes do not deceive you. Larry the Cable Guy did in fact star in a direct-to-video sequel called "Jingle All The Way 2." The sequel feels like a cross between the plot of the original with a bit of the dad vs. step-dad rivalry in "Daddy's Home," although "Jingle All The Way 2" predates the latter by a full year. Larry the Cable Guy is a truck-driving dad trying to compete with his daughter's wealthy new step-dad over who will give her the best Christmas, because insecure men will turn literally anything into a pissing contest.

Larry betrays his daughter's trust by reading her letter to Santa and believes she wants a talking bear for Christmas. Rich dad finds out and instead of just letting Larry the Cable guy buy a toy for his kid, he instead buys all of the talking bears in a tri-county area and stockpiles them like if Jeffrey Bezos starred in "The Grinch Who Hoarded Christmas." Spoiler alert for a movie I know you're not going to watch: as it turns out, kiddo didn't want the bear at all and both dads kind of suck. Y'all it's bad, but as Vice writer and agent of chaos, Dave Shilling said in his review, "What's actually insidious about the whole endeavor is that it's so good at being so bad." So what does this mean for a possible "Jingle All The Way 3?"

There's nothing on the radar for a third entry in the "Jingle All The Way" series, but in our increasingly capitalist and remake happy society, it's only a matter of time before some studio suit decides it's a good time to remake the movie. They'll trade out the legitimately awesome Turbo Man stuff for some weird tech gadget adults think kids will want that in reality will look corny as hell to actual children. They'll cast an equally beefy actor like Dwayne Johnson, Dave Bautista, or John Cena as Howard as an homage to Arnold and Myron will be recast with Kevin Hart or ... yeah, no, it'll be offered exclusively to Kevin Hart. 

Honestly, I should probably stop talking before someone with power at 20th Century Fox reads this paragraph and walks into a pitch meeting to make a very, very big mistake.