5 Squid Game Articles We Thought Of Even Though We Haven't Watched The Show Yet

Disclaimer: This article is a piece of satire and not meant to be seen as disparaging towards "Squid Game." Again, we haven't see it yet. (We hear it's good!)

"Squid Game"! Oh yeah, everyone is talkin' about that "Squid Game," baby! It's the squiddiest game to ever squid! Okay, fine, I haven't watched the show yet so I don't really know what the hell "Squid Game" is. But in the last week or so it seems like the hype for the South Korean Netflix series has gone through the roof. And when that sort of thing happens, it can only mean one thing for people in my industry: articles! Lots and lots of articles, chock-full of SEO terms and click-baity headlines. Don't judge us too harshly, friends – that's how we keep the lights on. 

But writing such articles can be a bit difficult when you haven't watched the show. Hell, I don't even know the premise. Let me see if I can scrounge up a synopsis ... ah, here we go:

A mysterious invitation to join the game is sent to people at risk who are in dire need of money. 456 participants from all walks of life are locked into a secret location where they play games in order to win 45.6 billion won. Every game is a Korean traditional children's game such as Red Light, Green Light, but the consequence of losing is death. Who will be the winner, and what is the purpose behind this game?

Okay, in retrospect, I wish I had read that synopsis before I came up with everything on this list. But it's too late now. I have to play the hand I've been dealt. Below, I've put together a list of potential "Squid Game" articles that could be written to garner plenty of clicks from the ever-growing population of "Squid Game" fans. You don't have to beware of spoilers because, again, I haven't watched a single frame of this show. 

Are there even actual squid in "Squid Game," or is it just a name? I don't know, but if the show does involve squid, this could be a good article, right? A real slice-of-life sort of thing, where an intrepid reporter goes to an aquarium and looks for some squid to talk to. Maybe the reporter has a tape recorder, old school style. And they hold the recorder up to the tank and ask, "What do you think of this phenomenon? Is this a game-changer for squids everywhere?" And then the squid could provide an answer, assuming squid can talk. I don't know much about squid, so this might not be possible if they're non-verbal. I guess I should've looked into this a bit more. 

This is another article that would only work if there are actual squid swimming around in "Squid Game." But if they are, we could rank them. Ranking is a big deal on the internet. In fact, you don't even have to be very detailed when you're writing out the copy for each entry. All you need is a title in larger font, since that's all anyone will actually look at. They won't bother to read the words that follow, they just want an excuse to scroll through a list and then move on to something else. Anyway, feel free to rank the squid. Get #RankTheSquid trending.

Guilt is a big deal these days. On top of that, every day it seems like democracy in America is in serious trouble. We all thought things might get better when we voted out the former guy, but we're clearly not out of the woods yet. So this could be an article that serves a purpose, you know? It makes you feel guilty for trying to distract yourself from the horrors of the world, and tries to spurn you into taking some sort of action. Playing squid games when you should be registering to vote? Have you no shame? 

This could be a good article for the "New York Times" as they try to appeal to rural, right-leaning voters who will never, ever read the "New York Times." Anyway, the premise of this article involves traveling to some Midwestern diner and asking folks what they think President Joe Biden should be doing about all these squid games. I don't really know what the Midwestern attitude is toward "Squid Game" just yet, so some more research will have to be done before finalizing the title. But you get the idea. And imagine the article is accompanied with a photo of a burly man wearing a red hat, his jeans held up with suspenders, sitting in diner booth with a frown on his face. And maybe he has a gun or something on his belt, I don't know. What do you want from me? 

Okay, let's get away from politics. This article would be a nice puff piece; a fun, uplifting story about how the real message of "Squid Game" is friendship. Again: having not watched a single second of "Squid Game," I can't comment on whether or not friendship has anything to do with the show. But if it does, this could be a really great article about that. You could quote people saying stuff like, "Thank you, 'Squid Game,' for making us laugh about love again!" And people could read it and say, "Aww, that's nice." And then they could e-mail the article to their mother, maybe? Just spitballing here.