Dwayne Johnson's 'Red One' Is "Hobbs Meets Miracle On 34th St.," Whatever The Heck That Means

Yesterday we got word about Red One, the latest bit of content from Dwayne Johnson. Technically, it's a movie, but the announcement also came with the claim that the "unique concept represents a property that could encompass not only a tentpole film, but could reach beyond entertainment across multiple industries and businesses," which is a sentence that makes me want to die right now. Red One is a Christmas movie, and Johnson will play a big muscular Santa Claus or something ridiculous like that. Today, while taking a break from lifting an entire truck over his head and eating raw whey powder, Johnson took to Instagram to tell us more about his latest business venture disguised as a motion picture.

Before I go further, let me just add that I like Dwayne Johnson, AKA The Rock. He seems like a nice guy and he also seems like he could rip my arms off and beat me to death with them, so I would never dream of being on his bad side. That said, I would love it if Mr. Rock would try a little harder to apply himself to his film roles. The best example of this would be Dave Bautista. He, too, is a wrestler-turned-actor, and time and time again, he challenges himself when he takes a film role. He seems to genuinely like the craft of acting. Johnson, in contrast, appears to only want to play himself over and over again, no matter what movie he's making. He also wants to turn whatever he's doing into a business venture. And hey, I get it – movies are a business, after all! I'm not naive, I know how it works. But when we receive word about a new Dwayne Johnson movie like Red One, and that announcement that "the hope is to tie this to holiday branding and business ventures," I can't help but feel disheartened about the whole damn endeavor.

Anyway, after news of Red One broke, Johnson took to his favorite platform – Instagram – to offer up some encouraging words about the project. Here's what he wrote:

A new twist on our CHRISTMAS MYTHOLOGY and creating the most fun HOLIDAY UNIVERSE to enjoy.

Imagine HOBBS meets MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET

Our RED ONE writer is one of the greatest action writers of all time, Chris Morgan.

Chris wrote FAST 5 (my favorite Fast & Furious movie), FAST 6, FAST 7, FAST 8 and HOBBS & SHAW!

Big mahalo to our partners Jen Salke and her hungry @AmazonStudios team for having a shared global ambition to deliver our original Christmas story to families around the world.

And lastly, there's only one person who can direct RED ONE and bring that one of kind Christmas mana and epic adventure and FUN to the film...

That announcement coming soon!

Christmas is my favorite time of year and I can't for us to make this movie for you and your families.

"Imagine Hobbs meets Miracle on 34th Street." Okay, I just did, and that doesn't sound very good. Now what?

So just what is Red One? The odd thing is...we don't really know. There are no actual plot details yet. The current assumption is that the film will see Johnson play a very muscular Santa Claus, and honestly, that sounds about right. Someone, somewhere, was sitting around and said, "The Rock dressed as Santa might be funny, right?" And a producer shrugged and said, "Sure." And now here we are.

Beyond that, what we primarily know about Red One is that it's "a globe-trotting, four-quadrant action-adventure comedy, imagining a whole new universe to explore within the holiday genre." The Fast and the Furious writer Chris Morgan is handling the script, and as Johnson mentioned in his Instagram post above, there is a director lined up for the film, but they're holding back on that announcement. I can only hope it's someone exciting and unexpected, like Werner Herzog or David Lynch.