The Goonies: Every Main Character, Ranked

Between movies about Christmas presents you shouldn't feed after midnight and aliens that need to make a phone call, the 1980s were rife with family films that became iconic in their own right, one in particular being the Richard Donner-directed, Steven Spielberg-produced adventure movie, "The Goonies." Released in 1985, this now-treasured, er, treasure hunt launched the careers of a handful of stars, including Corey Feldman, Sean Astin, Josh Brolin, and Oscar-winner Ke Huy Quan. You must know the story by now, and if you don't, then, well, boy, was your childhood lacking. Anyway, "The Goonies" follows the titular band of kids as they find a treasure map and are swept off on an adventure searching for a pirate ship that could hold enough "rich stuff" to prevent their homes from being flattened for a newly-approved golf course.

While Donner's film has been homaged many times over (most notably in "Stranger Things," which went so far as to cast Astin himself), it's also clear the various Goonies left their mark in other ways. But which of these characters is the best? Or, rather, if one were to go hunting for One-Eyed Willy's "rich stuff" themself, which of the Goonies would they want to bring along? Well, after careful consideration (more than Chester Copperpot ever did), here's our ranking of a group of innocent children who, if they were real people, would undoubtedly be scarred by this list and probably never want to speak to each other again. Enjoy!

As beloved as "The Goonies" might be, there's no doubt that it's also a product of its time. In hindsight, the characters that suffer the most in Donner's '80s romp are the only two girls in "The Goonies." This brings us to Andy (Kerri Green), who suffers the brunt of the film's bad writing in spite of Green's perfectly watchable performance. Swept up in the blooming romance between her and the older Walsh brother, Andy provides little contribution to the predicament the Goonies find themselves in until the film's third act, when one of Willy's deadliest puzzles involves being able to play the piano. Scrap this abrupt need for someone who can read sheet music, and Andy would be nothing but dead weight. Making matters worse, she's prone to fits of hysterics along the way, forcing her knight in sweaty gym gear to come to the rescue over and over. (More on him in a moment.)

It's a shame that Spielberg — who came up with the concept for "The Goonies" in addition to producing — and writer Chris Columbus fashioned Andy as someone who's less Marion Ravenwood from "Raiders of the Lost Ark" and more Willie Scott from "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom." In the end, the character is little more than a ditzy damsel in distress who's often got her head in the clouds while her friends are battling to stay alive.

While there's no denying that Josh Brolin has gone on to become a star of a different status, his big break in this classic adventure film as Brand Walsh doesn't ask much of him beyond being a killjoy and a smitten, hormonal teenager. Sore from flunking his driving test and desperate to win the girl, Brand is the stubborn older brother who's in over his head and doesn't contribute much to the Goonies on their journey. Although he's meant to be keeping his younger sibling Mikey (Astin) in check, Brand often winds up parroting what his brother suggests and only occasionally manages to rein him in when it counts, usually to try and impress Andy. In the end, Brand comes across as the fun sponge in a group where everyone else around him is bursting with character.

It makes sense, then, as to why Brolin tried to make more of Brand than what was asked of him. Years later, the actor revealed in an interview that he attempted to go deeper with the character during filming, only to receive some hilariously blunt advice from Spielberg. As the legendary filmmaker apparently put it, "Yeah, just act. Just say what's on the page." Admittedly, considering what Brolin was given to work with, his only option was to do just that, allowing the other Goonies to use him as the punchline to their jokes and playing the hero to a girl who just can't handle the chaos unfolding around her. Typical teenager, really.

While most of the Goonies are memorable thanks to their uniquely off-beat traits (which make them stand out in a crowd), there's something exceptional about Stef. As portrayed by Martha Plimpton, she's arguably the most level-headed member of the gang. Everyone needs a best friend who tells it to you straight, and Andy's tag-along fits the bill perfectly. Dropping some dry but diamond-cut one-liners ("I feel like I'm babysitting, but I'm not getting paid"), Stef might be one of the best-written characters in the film. The only problem is that she's forced to take a bit of a backseat to her cheerleading BFF.

For a character with a sharper wit than Mouth (Corey Feldman), it's a shame that Stef doesn't get to use it as much as her (sorta) love interest. That's because if we're really being honest with ourselves, "The Goonies" is overcrowded with boys, and the girls are relegated to standing on the sidelines when Mikey is reading maps or arguing with the rest of his friends. On the other hand, Stef and Andy walked so the many standout heroines on "Stranger Things" could run decades later. Stef, in particular, paved the way for future generations of women on the screen thanks to her barbed back-and-forths with Mouth and even the film's evil-doing Fratellis. So, in that sense, Stef is one of the best Goonies in the group; it's just that she's stuck in a movie that tends to overlook her.

In the ratio of quotable lines from "The Goonies," it's safe to say that Corey Feldman's motor-mouthed jerk-alert detector has the most that are ingrained in fans' brains. Filling the criteria of the sarcastic smart-mouth that every group of friends had growing up (and if you can't recall them, it's probably you), Mouth presses all the wrong buttons of his pals in all the right ways. He's the largest source of levity in this ridiculous little story but also the most impactful on the rare occasion he gets serious. When stumbling across a wishing well, for instance, the Goonie that's always there to either break the ice or say things at the completely wrong time snaps in an out-of-the-blue rant that feels like it belongs to a bigger part of Mouth's backstory. Unfortunately, we never really learn more about it, but thanks to Feldman's performance, it still lands some 40 years later.

After a heated argument with Stef (as all enemies-to-lovers stories begin), Mouth suddenly picks up one of the many coins that've been chucked into the wishing well over time and declares, "This one, this one right here. This is my dream, my wish, and I'm taking it back. I'm taking them all back." Again, there's no real explanation for the outburst, and perhaps like so many other pocket moments from"The Goonies," it was left on the cutting room floor (see also: the movie's famously deleted octopus scene). Nevertheless, this moment makes Mouth not just one of the most entertaining characters but also one that clearly has a little more to him than you might assume.

In what might be the most poorly aged element of "The Goonies," Jeff Cohen's "Chunk" is constantly being picked on by those around him due to his weight and size. Yet, in spite of that, the character emerges as one of the most endearing and enjoyable members of the gang. The master of tall tales and truffle shuffles, Chunk may be a punching bag for the other Goonies, but he also proves to be one of the bravest among them, even after enduring so much straight-up trauma.

Indeed, if being humiliated by his friends wasn't bad enough, Chunk also gets trapped in a freezer with a dead body at one point, which feels less like something you would expect from a family film and more like a scene from a Stephen King novella. Then, after escaping that nightmare and being ditched by his friends to go and contact the police, Chunk ends up running straight into the murderous Fratellis. Ultimately, the poor kid gets put through hell and then some over the course of his attempts to reunite with his friends.

Somehow, though, even after that series of harrowing events, Chunk still manages to evade his captors with the help of his new buddy, the lovable Sloth (John Matuszak), and save the day as well, earning a well-deserved promotion to Captain in the process. That's what makes Chunk so great: In a film that's all about a group of young heroes, it's Chunk who goes it mostly alone and emerges as the true savior, even picking up a hulking new BFF for his troubles.

Everyone wanted to be as sharp as Mouth and have a friend like Sloth, but no self-respecting fan of "The Goonies" looked at Data's (Ke Huy Quan's) grey trench coat and homemade utility belt and did not want to be like the gadget-riddled member of the team in some way. Only a year after stealing the show from Harrison Ford in "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom," Quan became the brilliant brains of the "Goonies" outfit. Data is as brave as James Bond but as clever as Q. HIs Bully Blinders, Pincers of Power, and Slick Shoes ("Slick Shoes?! Are you crazy?!") all steal the show whenever the young genius puts them into action, even if they don't necessarily work to their full potential. In doing so, Data manages to get himself and his pals out of some pretty dangerous situations, leading to some of the most tender moments in the film.

Case in point: As the parents of the Goonies arrive to pick them up from their once-in-a-lifetime adventure, the sweetest reunion is between Data and his father (Michael Paul Chan), who has his own gadget ready for use. Much like his son, however, the old man's invention — which looks like a prototype selfie stick — fails to work properly. "That's okay Daddy, you can't hug a photograph," Data assures him, to which his dad replies, "You are my greatest invention." Data doesn't just have all the gadgets; he's got all the heart as well.

Mikey is the best of "The Goonies," probably because he possesses everything that makes them great. He has the sharp mind of Mouth, the understanding of Chunk, and the determination of Data, which explains why all these friends are drawn to him and his hair-brained scheme for saving their homes. Even as the movie progresses, Brand goes from the overprotective brother to allowing his younger sibling to take charge and guide this gang to the "rich stuff" he's certain is hidden away behind wishing wells, walls, and booby-trapped piano organs. More importantly, though, Mikey does the most growing up out of the group and, in doing so, fills in all the criteria for an iconic adventurer undergoing his own hero's journey.

Like Indiana Jones or Nathan Drake, Mikey has the smarts to outmaneuver traps, shows respect to those that came before, ensure that the villains suffer the consequences of their actions, and, weirdly, even gets the girl. More importantly, though, he's just a kid facing his own fears, breaking free from the protective bubble his parents have put him in, and boosting team morale (especially while delivering his famous speech about the Goonies and how it's "our time" to save the day for once). Should "The Goonies 2" ever actually come to pass, one just hopes Mikey will remain the Goonies' true leader — because when it comes to heading down dark tunnels and hunting for hidden treasure, they really would be lost without him.