Seven Classic Novels The Muppets Need To Adapt Next

When Jim Henson died in 1990, he had already negotiated a deal to sell his beloved Muppet characters to the Disney corporation, feeling that a big, brand-driven company could keep Muppet movies alive while he took a break to focus on more creative, strange, ambitious projects. Disney has since run hot and cold with the Muppets, making several notable hit films, but also multiple forgettable TV specials, and a few TV shows, two of which spectacularly bombed. 

Making movies with the Muppets, Disney has learned, requires a gentle balance. Kermit the Frog is an innocent, honest character, devoid of cynicism, but the Muppets have always possessed an element of self-awareness. The original "The Muppet Show," after all, was half a variety program with singing/dancing Muppet performers, and half backstage drama with picky Muppet actors and overwhelmed Muppet stagehands. Most of the Muppet movies have addressed their status as a theater troupe, and many Muppet stories spring from backstage drama between its members. 

Three of the extant Muppet movies, however, took a new, interesting tack with the franchise's core concept. "The Muppet Christmas Carol," "Muppet Treasure Island," and "The Muppets' Wizard of Oz" treated the troupe as mere repertory players, tackling cinematic versions of classic literature. In "Christmas Carol," for instance, Kermit played Bob Cratchit. In "Treasure Island," he was Captain Smollett. In "Wizard of Oz," he was the Scarecrow. 

This is an ingenious approach to the Muppets, as they are pliable enough to exist in any great work of literature. Also, audiences get to see their range as Muppet performers; Kermit is, after all, a thespian. It's a pity that the franchise only did it three times, though, as there were so, so many wonderful works of classic lit that could have been reshaped into Muppet productions. 

It's a fun time, then, to theorize. What piece of classic literature would have made great adaptations into Muppet movies? Here are some suggestions: 

This one seems like a no-brainer. William Shakespeare's frothy, magical romantic comedy is already as crowded and whimsical as a Muppet production, so it's surprising the Muppets haven't already done it. The story surrounds two pairs of lovers, Helena, Hermia, Lysander, and Demetrius, enmeshed in a complex love square, who escape into the woods. In the woods, however, playful fairies live. It seems that the king and queen of the fairies, Oberon and Titania, are on the outs, and are in the mood for bitterness-inspired love games. The fairies, using a magical flower, infect the four human lovers with a love potion, causing their square to become tangled. Meanwhile, a traveling troupe of players is in the woods, rehearsing for an upcoming performance. When the fairies see Bottom, the most blustering performer, they play a prank on him by turning his head into that of a donkey ... then force Titania to fall in love with him. 

Everything turns out well in the end, of course. 

In my mind, at least three of the four lovers would have to be played by human actors. The fourth lover would have to be Walter, perhaps, who can be a gentle, silly protagonist. Titania would have to be Miss Piggy. And I guess Oberon could be Kermit. Bottom would also be played by a very game human — maybe transformed into a Muppet? — and Puck, clearly, is Gonzo. The other players and fairies are ancillary Muppet players. There are also members of a royal court in "Midsummer," so there are many, many options for Muppet cameos. 

Seriously. Greenlight this one yesterday. 

"Moby-Dick" may seem like an obvious choice for the Muppets, seeing as they already did a seafaring adventure film with "Muppet Treasure Island." The characters from Herman Melville's seminal American novel, however, offer a vastly different tone. This would have to be a darker Muppet story, where the Muppets have to find humor while serving under the obsessed Captain Ahab, clearly played by a human actor. 

Kermit, of course, would have to be Ishmael. Fozzie could be Starbuck. Because there are so many more Muppets than characters in "Moby-Dick," however, new characters would have to be invented. "Muppet Moby-Dick" would also have to be transformed into a comedy story, with wacky crewmates on a ship undergoing ship-based trials while Captain Ahab tried to keep them in line. Also, in a world of talking animals, perhaps whaling isn't the best activity. I can imagine a scene wherein Gozno talks a Muppet whale into allowing him to ram a shunt into its head cavity to drain the oils within. The whale, now woozy, would be allowed to go free. 

A question I will leave to the readers: is Moby-Dick himself a real whale, or a Muppet whale? Maybe a fun Muppety twist: Ahab doesn't want to kill Moby-Dick as revenge for taking his leg, but because Moby-Dick ran off with his Muppet wife. This version of the story could end with Ahab and Moby-Dick having a meal at a seaside diner, talking out their differences. 

Okay, maybe this is a little weird, but then "Moby-Dick" is a little gross and heady. It seems that a stern, sea-faring drama, though, would be a fun stretch for the Muppet troupe. If Lynne Ramsay couldn't make it work, maybe the Muppets could. 

I give full credit to a colleague, William Bibbiani, for this one. 

There have been plenty of comedic versions of Bram Stoker's "Dracula," so why not let the Muppets have a turn? Clearly, Kermit is Jonathan Harker, while Miss Piggy is Mina. I like to think of Dr. Bunsen Dr. Seward, and Sam Eagle as Van Helsing. Gonzo, of course, is Renfield. Re-treads of "Dracula" are common, so I don't feel the need to reiterate it here; go see Robert Eggers' "Nosferatu" in theaters right now for the most recent iteration. 

Dracula himself would have to be played by a game human actor. Tom Hardy or Oscar Isaac both immediately come to mind, but there are multiple great actors who could handle both the drama and the comedy of a Muppet Dracula film. And because "Dracula" is so familiar to people, the Muppet would have full permission to expand and embellish. They also would have every opportunity to spoof all the "Dracula" movies that came before, lampooning Bela Lugosi, Christopher Lee, Frank Langella, Gary Oldman, Willem Dafoe, Bill Skarsgård ... or even Leslie Nielsen.

One issue: one cannot tell a Dracula story without blood, and without at least one character getting staked through the chest. Whoever made "Muppet Dracula" would have to be skilled at keeping the horror elements intact. Or at least find ways to keep the tone humorous, even when a vampire is dying. Do you think Joe Dante would do it? Jason Segel certainly would.

Okay, so hear me out. 

Yes, F. Scott Fitzgerald's novel is about the horrid inner lives of the ultra-wealthy and deals with infidelity, hedonistic parties, bootlegging, war trauma, and revenge killing, all of which might be a little too rough for the ordinarily-kid-friendly Muppets. But, golly, the idea is tantalizing, isn't it? Imagine a high-energy Muppet film wherein a young Walter (Nick) narrates the soap-opera-like lives of Jay Gatsby (Kermit) and his affair with Daisy (Miss Piggy), much to the consternation of her husband Tom (Fozzie). 

Booze would have to be omitted from the Muppets, of course, so the bootlegging operation would have to be altered. How about this: "Muppet Gatsby" takes place in the 1990s, and Gatsby made his fortune bootlegging records. Because Kermit is scrupulously moral, however, there would have to be an added layer of self-awareness to the drama. This particular adaptation would require constant backstage scenes where Kermit could drop character and express his concerns, while the film's directors (Gonzo and Pepe) explain in plain terms why "The Great Gatsby" is an important American classic. They could also explain that their high school English teachers made them read "Gatsby" in the ninth grade, which is a common experience for American students. 

A backstage element would also allow the filmmakers to gloss over some of the subplots involving infidelity by keeping them off-screen. Also, also, the hundreds of Muppet characters would be permitted to have roles at stagehands, costumers, etc. It's a meta-narrative thinker, but I'd go see "Muppet Gatsby" in a heartbeat. 

Also, there are rumors that there's a "Muppet Gatsby" script already. We're poised. 

Jules Verne wrote "A Journey to the Center of the Earth" in 1864, but he seems to have had modern Hollywood in mind. Verne's novels, based on speculative scientific theory, and concerned with the mechanics of fantastical worlds, could have been a blockbuster screenwriter in another generation, and it's no wonder several of his novels have made it to the big screen multiple times apiece. Indeed, his "Around the World in 80 Days" was adapted into a Best Picture-winning bonanza. Verne tends to invent singular eccentric characters (Captain Nemo, Phileas Fogg) but then surrounds them with blank-slate protagonist narrators, more astonished with Earth-spelunking adventures or undersea peril than story. 

As such, the Muppets are prime candidates for a globe-spanning adventure story. One can easily see Kermit, Fozzie, and Gonzo being led into a deep cave by an enterprising human actor. Perhaps Sweetums could be Hans Bjelke, the Icelandic guide and eiderdown collector. And, because so many liberties have been taken with Jules Verne in the past, the makers of "A Muppet Journey to the Center of the Earth" could allow them to find anything down there. Why not the same giant version of Animal encountered in "The Muppet Movie?" 

The last time Hollywood tried "Journey," back in 2008, it starred Brendan Fraser and was a big, CGI mess. With the Muppets, the filmmakers would have license to keep the story modest and adventurous, not needing to make the characters "cool." "A Muppet Journey" would work better. 

There have been so, so many cheap, entertaining peplum movies in cinema history. There was a time when Greek and Roman heroes were regularly used as chaff for low-budget Italian thrillers, and an entire generation grew up watching such movies on late-night TV. Most were bad, but some were legit classics, capturing the epic tone of ancient poetry. When the same generation got to high school and started reading modern versions of "The Iliad" and "The Odyssey," they might have been dismayed to find more poetry than monsters. 

But the monsters were in there! "The Odyssey" emerged as a thrilling story of one man's many-years voyage back home after the Trojan War. The Muppets, already featuring monsters and creatures, would be right at home in Homer's Greece, and the Muppet Workshop would have a great time creating monsters like Polyphemus, Scylla, or the Sirens. I picture "Muppet Odyssey" to be closer in spirit to "Labyrinth" than "The Muppet Movie." Odysseus would have to be played by a human actor but is making his way back home with Gonzo and Rizzo in tow. Because so many other peplum films seriously fudged their Greek source material, there would be no issues with making Kermit Jason, and having him join Odysseus on his odyssey. 

Penelope is clearly Piggy, and she wouldn't merely fend off suitors with a weaving trick. This time, she'd just punch them all in the face. The suitors could be played by famously handsome Hollywood actors. Piggy has to say no to Channing Tatum, Idris Elba, Jason Momoa, Chris Hemsworth, etc. 

This film should be put into production immediately, as to come out on the same day as Christopher Nolan's "Odyssey."

It's high time the world had a lighthearted spoof of the works of H.P. Lovecraft. The reclusive, problematic Rhode Island author created some of the most nihilistic horror stories of his era, inventing a whole canon of ancient gods that wanted to take back the Earth and rid it of the pestilence of humanity. His work frequently dealt with cults, dark magic, and deities so ineffable that to stare upon them would be to go mad. For Lovecraft, horror was so intense, that it became incomprehensible. 

Despite its eeriness, Lovecraft's works have become a staple at pop culture conventions, and one can easily find any number of board games and RPGs with a Lovecraft theme. Cthulhu, one of the central gods in Lovecraft's theogony, has been transformed into a plushie, a snack, a fun sidekick. 

The Muppets could easily take the energy of the latter and run with it. Kermit and the other Muppets are investigating a dangerous cult of robe-wearing demonologists, and find they are trying to open a portal to another dimension and allow the dreaded Cthulhu into our realm. There would be portent's of untold destruction, but undercut by a bad Fozzie joke, or a number by the Electric Mayhem. A fun potential gag: Gonzo is faced with a horror beyond comprehension, one that drives men mad. Gonzo, already a little mad, can talk to it, no problem. 

The Muppets have already appeared in "Muppets Haunted Mansion," and "A Christmas Carol" is a ghost story, so they clearly know how to deal with ghosts and the supernatural. Why not just go full-bore and include Cthulhu in the Muppet canon? Then Cthulhu could show up in later Muppet projects as just another friend of theirs.