Sean Connery's Two Worst Movies, According To Rotten Tomatoes

Often, when reading film reviews, I hear the voice of Tim Heidecker as Nigel Andrews. Upon realizing that the film "Us," in which the comedian stars, had received a bad review from Andrews, Heidecker launched into an impression of the prolific Financial Times film critic. Reading the Rotten Tomatoes quote from Andrews' review, Heidecker announced in a hearty British Received Pronunciation tone that "Us" — which was actually a frightening and relevant tale of terror — was in fact "merely the sum of the first film's critical effluent and influent, wish-determining the new movie's monody of genre and monotony of tone in the name of a specious homogeneity."

Since then, Heidecker's Andrews voice has taken root in my mind as the voice of any critic with a negative opinion. The "Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!" star elaborated on his impression, mocking Andrews' penchant for needlessly ornate language by improvising the brilliantly nonsensical line, "We shall never see a film of quite complipity," before rounding up with, "Splattered it does go, unfortunately." These phrases have also become ingrained in my cortex, so much so that any film with a green splat elicits an involuntary "Splattered it does go, unfortunately."

What does any of this have to do with Sean Connery? Well, you might be surprised to learn that the revered actor, who passed away in 2020 at the age of 90, does indeed have a couple of splats to his name. What's more, Nigel Andrews, in comparatively limpid prose, dubbed the man, "The most durable movie star the UK produced in the second half of the 20th century." What then, I wonder, would the now-retired film critic have to say about Connery's two green splats, especially considering the films in question hit rock bottom of the mighty Tomatometer?

Sean Connery took the long road to acting, passing up a career in the Navy and as a professional footballer for show business. Thankfully, things worked out and the Scot crafted one of the most impressive film careers in Hollywood history. Though he came from the working class area of Fountainbridge and started work as a milkman and butcher at the age of nine, Connery also dedicated himself to consuming the classics in order to become what his friend Robert Henderson termed "a bit of a contradiction." Henderson, who alongside his impressive theater career also landed small roles in films including 1974's Phase IV" and 1978's "Superman," was quite integral to Connery's decision to become an actor. As the Scot recalled in a BBC interview, it was Henderson that advised him to imbibe Shakespeare, Tolstoy, Proust, and others in order to "look as though [he] could work in a mine and have read Proust." No doubt the always voluble Nigel Andrews admired that aspect of Connery.

The result of all this was a man perfectly primed to inhibit the urbane yet rugged figure of James Bond. But beyond this, Connery had become every bit as fascinating a figure as any character he would play. In interviews, he was as eloquent as any of the British upper crust, but maintained a devotion to his Scottish roots throughout his life, donating his record-breaking "Diamonds Are Forever" salary to his charity, the Scottish International Education Trust.

In short, Connery was a studied actor who established himself as a capable and diverse talent. But he was also a compelling man in his own right. Surely, then, his film career doesn't contain anything that Nigel Andrews would turn his nose up at?

There are a full seven John Travolta films with a 0% Rotten Tomatoes score, which, as much as I love a bad Travolta movie, is surely one of the more abject records on RT. In contrast, you might imagine the great Sean Connery's filmography to be completely free of any such stinkers. But you'd be wrong. According to Rotten Tomatoes' own ranking of Connery's filmography, both "Sir Billi" and "Highlander II: The Quickening" failed to produce a single positive review. If you've never heard of either — and judging by the mere eight reviews for "Sir Billi," you haven't — allow me to introduce you to these little-known Connery bombs.

"Sir Billi" is a 2012 animated film from husband and wife team Sascha and Tessa Hartmann. Connery plays the titular veterinarian, who lives in the Scottish Highlands and sets out on a quest to rescue a beaver by the name of Bessie Boo. Sounds charming, doesn't it? Well not according to the few critics who sat through it. Aside from condemning the "muddled and dull writing," Peter Bradshaw of The Guardian lamented the way in which the film appeared "cheaply and unimaginatively made," claiming that it would "hardly pass muster on children's TV." Now that I think about it, the whole thing actually has the same aesthetic as Tim and Eric's Grum, which is to say that the animation is not exactly Pixar-level. The whole thing also begins with a credit sequence that pays homage to famous Bond opening titles of years past, which only serves to somehow make everything worse.

It's a shame, then, that Connery actually came out of retirement to lend his voice to this one. Still, maybe things aren't so bad with "Highlander II: The Quickening?"

Alongside "Rambo: First Blood Part 2," "Highlander II: The Quickening" has to have one of the worst movie subtitles ever conceived. Sadly, that title served as a portent for what awaited viewers who dared give this follow-up to 1986's "Highlander" a go. The 1991 sequel was directed by Russell Mulcahy and saw Connery reprise his role as Juan Sánchez-Villalobos Ramírez, mentor to Christopher Lambert's Connor MacLeod.

Whereas the first film currently enjoys a serviceable 69% critic rating on Rotten Tomatoes, the sequel bears a wretched 0%, and this time more than eight people provided their opinion. Yes, 25 critics watched "Highlander II" and 25 critics did not like it. The Boston Globe's Matthew Gilbert dubbed it "the dullest and shoddiest action-adventure flick of the year," though he did highlight a few "cute Sean Connery moments" as brief reprieves from the shoddiness. Roger Ebert went a step further, bestowing a mere half-star on the film and calling it "the most hilariously incomprehensible movie [he'd] seen in many a long day" and "almost awesome in its badness." 

Not quite what Robert Henderson had in mind when shepherded Connery into show business, I'm sure. Still, considering the best Sean Connery film, according to Rotten Tomatoes, is "Darby O'Gill and the Little People," you might want to treat this whole thing with a healthy dose of skepticism. The real tragedy here is that Nigel Andrews refrained from reviewing "Sir Billi" and "Highlander II," so we'll never have the pleasure of reading his grandiose musings on Connery's animated kids' adventure or his ill-fated "Highlander" sequel. Still, it perhaps goes without saying that we've never seen two films of such complipity.