The Correct Order To Watch The Hatchet Movies

Not to be confused with the 1986 Gary Paulsen novel that was on your fifth-grade reading list, Adam Green's 2007 slasher "Hatchet" was intended to be an homage to the plentiful stalk-and-kill movies from the 1980s. The first "Hatchet" takes place deep in the swamps of Louisana where feckless city-dwellers get lost while taking a swamp tour. They trade stories of Victor Crowley, a local kid with facial differences who, years ago, was trapped in a burning house set ablaze by prankster teens. Crowley was accidentally killed by his father when he recklessly used a hatchet to free him from the fire. Victor's spirit is now said to haunt the swamp and murder interlopers. Of course, Victor will appear to start the predicted murders. 

Victor Crowley was played by stuntman Kane Hodder, perhaps best known for playing the masked killer Jason Voorhees in "Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood," "Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan," "Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday," and "Jason X." Also appearing in "Hatchet" were Tony Todd, Robert Englund, John Carl Buechler, all respected luminaries in the horror community. Todd played the title role in the "Candyman" movies, Englund played Freddy Kreuger in the "A Nightmare on Elm Street" movies, and Buechler provided special effects makeup for movies like "Deathstalker," "Ghoulies," "TerrorVision," and dozens of other horror favorites. Buechler also directed "The New Blood," the first "Troll," and "Ghoulies III: Ghoulies Go to College" among others.

"Hatchet," then, was equal parts movie and homage. Green would go on to write three additional "Hatchet" movies to keep the '80s inspired-fun rolling into the late 2010s.

The release order is pretty obvious: 

• "Hatchet" (2007)
• "Hatchet II" (2010)
• "Hatchet III" (2013)
• "Victor Crowley" (2017)

Each one of the "Hatchet" movies boasts stunt casting of additional horror luminaries. "Hatchet II" and "Hatchet III" star Danielle Harris played the young Jamie in "Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers" and "Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers," and returned to play Annie in Rob Zombie's two "Halloween" movies. Todd and Buechler returned for "Hatchet II," and they were joined by Tom Holland, the director of "Fright Night" and "Child's Play." Weirdly, "Star Wars" producer Rick McCallum also appears in the movie. 

"Hatchet III" netted Caroline Williams, star of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2," "Stepfather II," and "Leprechaun 3," as well as Glenn Danzig's terrible zero-budget 2019 oddity "Verotika." The sheriff in "Hatchet III" is played by Zach Galligan from the two "Gremlins" movies and "Warlock: The Armageddon." Derek Mears, who played Jason Voorhees in the 2009 remake of "Friday the 13th" appears, as does the legendary Sid Haig, star of a hundred B-movies and friend of Rob Zombie. Listing all of Haig's credits here would take too long.

"Victory Crowley," meanwhile, featured Felissa Rose from "Sleepaway Camp," Tyler Mane who played Michael Myers in Rob Zombie's "Halloween" movies, and longtime Scream Queen Tiffany Shepis. The "Hatchet" movies might be the most prominent example of horror stunt casting for this generation. They are "The Expendables" of the genre. 

Of course, because they are so clearly numbered, keeping track of the "Hatchet" movies is easy. Keeping track of them while sober, however, is another matter entirely. And, I think if we're being honest with ourselves, we didn't belly up to the "Hatchet" movies while not under the influence. 

Below, then, is the likely order you watched the "Hatchet" movies, which, in its own way, is also the correct order.

• The first third of Jon Gulager's "Feast" (2005) (because you mixed them up)
• "Hatchet" (you got it right)
• The rest of "Feast" (because you liked it)
• "Feast II: Sloppy Seconds" (2008) (May as well see how that one pans out)
• The first half of "Hatchet III" (you mixed them up again)
• The first 10 minutes of "Hatchet II" (you get distracted talking about the "Wrong Turn" movies)
• "Wrong Turn 2: Dead End" (2007)
• The first ten minutes of "Hatchet II" (you get distracted again)
• "The Hills Have Eyes 2" (2007) (Oh right, you never got around to that one, and you liked the first)
• "Hatchet II" (to rid your mind of how awful "The Hills Have Eyes 2" is)
• "Cry_Wolf" (2005) (it was next in the Netflix queue)
• "Hatchet III" (no interruptions this time)
• "Going to Pieces: The Rise and Fall of the Slasher Film" (2006) (so you can remember who all these people are)
• "Feast III: The Happy Finish" (2009) (may as well)
• The first 50 minutes of "House of Wax" (2005) (fell asleep)
• "Victor Crowley"
• "Saw IV" 
• "Saw V" 

This marathon will need to take place over several days, of course, and, if you're over the age of 21, will require several cocktails. They can't be good cocktails either. They need to use a lot of blue Curaçao, vanilla-flavored vodka, and room-temperature guava juice. If it's legal in your area, some edibles will also be required. Indeed, one should be intoxicated enough during the mid-2000s horror marathon that the films will begin to blur together. When discussing the movies with friends, you'll readily conflate several of them.