Unfrosted Review: Jerry Seinfeld's Pop-Tart Movie Is Very, Very Silly

By most standards, "Unfrosted" is not what you'd call a "good" movie. It's visually flat — as a filmmaker, Jerry Seinfeld will never win an award or be thought of as one of the greats (his direction is limited to "point and shoot"). Its screenplay doesn't even attempt to tell a complete narrative — the third act crumbles, as if everyone ran out of ideas and threw up their hands. None of these things are promising. And yet ... I laughed. A lot. I laughed because Seinfeld's movie about the invention of Pop-Tarts is very, very silly, and sometimes you just want to watch something silly. Seinfeld and his co-writers Spike Feresten, Andy Robin, and Barry Marder have cobbled together a gloriously ridiculous feast; a film that doesn't even slightly attempt to take itself seriously. I mean, this is a movie about Pop-Tarts, for crying out loud — how serious can it be?

Brand-based films are somehow becoming more ubiquitous. Last year we got movies about both the invention of Air Jordans and the invention of Flamin' Hot Cheetos. And yet, while those films approached their subject matter in dramatic ways, "Unfrosted" just wants to string a series of increasingly ludicrous jokes together. NASA, JFK, evil milkmen, angry cereal mascots, violent deaths, and perversions of science all play a part in the creation of the "heatable breakfast rectangle," as one character calls it. Who knew the invention of the Pop-Tart was so chaotic? If you think about any of this for too long, "Unfrosted" starts to fall apart. And not every joke works — indeed, there are so many jokes here that several are bound to simply fall flat. And yet, "Unfrosted" inspires big laughs from time to time. There's a sequence set at a funeral that's so uproariously funny that I could barely contain myself. Like the toaster pastry that inspired the film, there's no nutrition here — but you might still enjoy the sugary high it unleashes.

It's 1963, and Battle Creek, Michigan is home to the two giants of the breakfast industry: Kellogg's and Post. Bitter rivals, the two companies hate each other, although their figureheads — Jim Gaffigan as Edsel Kellogg III and Amy Schumer as Marjorie Post — have a forbidden attraction to one another (the fact that it's forbidden just makes it more sexy, as several characters point out). For years, Kellogg's has been winning the breakfast wars, but Post has a secret up its sleeve: they're working on a breakfast pastry that will cut out milk entirely (a fact that doesn't play well with the all-powerful milk industry). 

When Kellogg's learns this, they decide to act fast and beat Post to the market, with Kellogg's exec Bob Cabana (Seinfeld) leading the way. To help with this plan, he brings in former colleague Donna "Stan" Stankowski (Melissa McCarthy), who left the company to join NASA to work on the moon race. To get her to come back, Bob ruefully asks, "Do you really think you're going to the moon?" "No!" Stan laughs and comes aboard. It's as simple as that.

The pair recruits a powerful breakfast commission that includes Italian stereotype Chef Boyardee (Bobby Moynihan), fitness guru Jack LaLanne (James Marsden), and Steve Schwinn (Jack McBrayer), who doesn't know anything about breakfast but can make a nice bike. In the midst of all this, Shakespearean actor Thurl Ravenscroft (Hugh Grant, doing his Hugh Grant thing) is growing tired of playing Kellogg's mascot Tony the Tiger. This is a rather weak, go-nowhere subplot that devolves into a queasy parody of somewhat recent real-life events (I won't say which, to avoid spoilers), but Grant is funny enough in his limited screen time to keep things semi-interesting. 

There's not much more to "Unfrosted." Kellogg's races to beat Post, and increasingly ludicrous things happen. No one will accuse this of being a great comedy. It's not even particularly memorable. And yet ... I found myself doubling over with laughter at times. The silliness is off the charts, and there's something to be said for a film that isn't afraid to be this ridiculous. A parade of funny people runs through the film in fun little cameos (Bill Burr is particularly memorable as President John F. Kennedy), and Seinfeld mostly lets them have all the fun while his character sort of stands around, shrugging and mugging. 

By the time the film's grand finale rolls around, "Unfrosted" is barely holding itself together. The jokes may be fast and furious, but the story is threadbare. But who says you even need a story for a movie like this? What story could you even possibly have about the invention of a sugar-heavy pastry block that comes out of your toaster half-hot and full of unnaturally colored goo? 

I could feel my inner snob trying to fight against the charms of "Unfrosted," but in the end, I succumbed to what Seinfeld and company were peddling. I can't imagine this as the type of comedy I revisit ever again — the jokes will have grown as stale as a month-old Pop-Tart. But in the moment, it (mostly) worked for me. As a movie, "Unfrosted" is weak. As a delivery system for a barrage of funny, silly jokes, it's part of a nutritious breakfast. 

/Film Rating: 6 out of 10