The Titans Of Godzilla X Kong, Ranked According To Our Own Scientific Methods

Warning: This article contains kaiju-sized spoilers for "Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire."

It's all been leading to this. We've seen standalone movies for both Godzilla and Kong throughout this MonsterVerse, we've experienced their ground-shaking crossover battle for bragging rights a few years back in "Godzilla vs. Kong," and we're now ready to sink our teeth into their epic team-up event in "Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire" ... but that doesn't mean we're done pitting these larger-than-life Titans against each other purely for our amusement just yet. Half the fun of these spectacles comes from going full-bore and wholly committing to either #TeamGodzilla or #TeamKong, regardless if the entire point of these last two movies has been all about these monsters setting aside their differences and joining forces for the greater good.

But it's tough to remember such important life lessons in the heat of the moment, and it's in that fun-loving spirit that we're approaching the release of "Godzilla x Kong." For this ranking, we're fully embracing our personal biases, throwing common sense to the wind, and breaking out our most lizard-brain reasoning to come up with the definitive ranking of all the major Titans featured in director Adam Wingard's latest monster-sized blockbuster — listed from worst to best. To be extremely clear, the powers of deduction used for the following article are official, scientific, and objectively correct.

On behalf of the entire /Film team, you're welcome and/or I'm sorry for what you're about to read.

Yeah, you read that right, we're coming out guns blazing with our hottest take of them all. That, of course, is the idea that Kong in these movies is ... kind of the worst? This empirical fact dates back to 2017's "Kong: Skull Island" which, regardless of how you feel about that film, tacitly admitted that Kong's traditional design needed a super-sized cheat code simply to compete with our favorite radioactive reptile down the line. It'd be like writers deciding that Batman needed to have superpowers to even the playing field against Superman or, for a more relatable example, a family bowling outing where your parents ask to put the bumpers up and spare your youngest sibling from endless gutter balls. Quite frankly, it can't help but feel a little embarrassing for everyone involved.

But the shameless handicaps didn't stop there. "Godzilla vs Kong" spent its entire first act hiding Kong on Skull Island because even his human cheerleaders knew that Godzilla would rip Kong to shreds the second he left. The two major set pieces in the movie didn't exactly do much to dispel that notion, either, with Kong resorting to playing dead in order to spare himself from further humiliation during their first brawl. And although one character claimed that the "second round goes to Kong," respectfully, it's clear Godzilla let him off easy there, too.

"Godzilla x Kong" takes things to an all-time low for the great ape, however. Not only does he need his fancy little axe and that Thanos-style gauntlet to fend off rivals, but he's almost taken completely out of the action by ... a toothache and frostbite, of all things. Imagine having everything weighted in your favor, but still struggling to come out on top. I'm sorry, but Kong ain't my king.

Eagle-eyed fans spotted this a mile away thanks to previous trailers, but who knew that "Godzilla x Kong" would be hiding at least one big boy in plain sight throughout the marketing cycle? No, we're not referring to Jesus Christ, but the ice-kaiju equivalent to Godzilla known as Shimo. One of the many Titans invented by the American franchise, this fearsome fella spends much of the movie under the control of the villainous Skar King. (It's never really explained how that crystal at the end of the bad guy's whip weapon actually keeps Shimo in check beyond somehow causing him physical pain, but just go with it.)

Nobody would accuse Shimo of having much narrative purpose in this story — he really only hangs around to pose a suitable physical matchup with Godzilla in the third-act battle while Kong takes on the Skar King — which justifies his relatively low ranking on this list. His design and ice powers are cool-looking enough, however, and his ape tormentor literally riding him into battle down in the Hollow Earth realm makes for one of the film's many spectacular visuals. Once freed from his enslavement, he even dramatically switches sides and gives our good guys a crucial assist against the Skar King in the final action sequence. It's enough of a redemption to help forgive him for some of his more dubious acts, like being coerced into shooting ice-beams at the sky in what seems like an attempt to trigger another ice age.

He doesn't hold much of a candle to the likes of the MUTOs, Ghidorah, Mechagodzilla, or even those Skullcrawlers, but Shimo certainly tried his best and I can respect that, at least. What can I say? I have a soft spot for kaiju underdogs.

I'm not afraid to say it: The Skar King was right all along. Forget Thanos or any other villain in recent years that inspired their own cult-of-personality following. This so-called antagonist may have actually had a point.

Look at the events of the sequel from his point of view. In a mid-movie exposition dump delivered by the endlessly patient and continually underserved Rebecca Hall (get that paycheck, queen), we find out that the Skar King's origins date back to the ancient war between Godzilla and Kong's ancestors. Tired of getting wrecked by a sentient atomic weapon, the ape seizes upon a power vacuum and decides to lead his people within the Hollow Earth to a better life. Seems noble enough, right? Well, unfortunately, his reach exceeded his grasp just a bit and his attempts to break through to the surface end up with the Skar King and his cohorts trapped inside an even deeper portion of the Hollow Earth. So when Kong's ignorant meddling leads to a new passageway opening up for the Skar King, can anyone possibly blame the guy for taking advantage of an opportunity? No good deed goes unpunished, sadly!

Okay, fine, there's no defending the whole "Ruthless leader exploits his people, rules with an iron fist, and enslaves other living beings" approach, but we all have our character flaws. Far be it from us to let a thing like that distract us from his awesome bandolier/whip made up of some unfortunate creature's vertebrae, his infectious laugh and sense of humor on display during his first fight with Kong, and that perfectly Loki-like slouch while sitting his throne. While we're staunchly anti-monarchy here at /Film, we're willing to make an exception for the Skar King.

How's that for a surprise return? Godzilla's insect girlfriend is back from the dead and as ethereal as ever, despite bravely sacrificing her life way back in "Godzilla: King of the Monsters." Granted, Mothra's resurrection is yet another in a long list of plot developments that "Godzilla x Kong" doesn't really bother to shed any actual light on. (Longtime "Godzilla" fans know the winged kaiju always leaves behind an egg or two, meaning this Mothra might very well be a twin rather than the exact same creature introduced previously.) But we're hardly complaining about seeing her back in action again, serving the important role of mediator between two testosterone-fueled meatheads like Godzilla and Kong.

Long considered a fan-favorite character, Mothra adds to her own aura and franchise lore with the reveal that she's an integral part of the culture of the Iwi people living deep below in the Hollow Earth. Lone Skull Island survivor Jia (Kaylee Hottle) may represent a fulfillment of ancient prophecy by venturing down to this hidden kingdom, but it's Mothra who symbolizes the tribe's actual messianic figure by saving the day. Sometimes, you just need someone with serious mom energy to show up on the scene, knock some sense into two brainless boys whose only instinct is to fight, and get things done. Mothra does all of that and more, first speeding away to Egypt with Jia so they can stop Godzilla from maiming Kong (again) before returning to help protect all our puny humans from getting smushed like bugs by all the monsters around them.

In a movie with monsters following all their own agendas (if we can even call it that), Mothra is arguably the only one actually looking out for the little guy ... and looking fabulous as she does so.

The greatest kaiju ever invented by humankind keeps his personal winning streak going in "Godzilla x Kong," deservedly taking first billing in the title itself and generally being the biggest badass around. What else is there to say? Even when the movies he stars in aren't the most polished (look, I get it, not everything can be "Godzilla Minus One"), there's no denying the hold he has on the moviegoing public or the awe-inspiring presence he maintains on screen year in and year out. Thematically, he's a potent metaphor for the atomic age, a powerful statement on humanity's relationship with nature, and also just a really big cat. And this time around, he even gets a fresh makeover, trading in his familiar blue-hued tones for hot pink. Even 'zilla knows its time to enter his Barbie era, and we simply have no choice but to stan a king who's comfortable in his masculinity.

While we have some misgivings — the creative team getting rid of his gloriously chonky look in favor of a more slimmed-down physique in his latest big-screen outing is nigh unforgivable, as is the unfortunate reality that this is much more Kong's movie than his own — it speaks to Godzilla's staying power that he steals every scene he's in anyway. From his initial moments taking a nap in the Colosseum, to turning into a radiation vacuum cleaner to prep for the fight(s) to come, to once again putting the smackdown on Kong, the big guy's crown remains firmly secure. All hail the king!

He goes by a few different names in "Godzilla x Kong" — whether the hilarious nickname Mini-Kong, his proper name Suko, or, as I like to call him, the MVP of the entire damn movie. Leave it to the smallest member of the Titan cast to bring an element that this franchise has sorely needed: Little S**t Energy.

What else would you call it when his introductory scene involves trolling Kong and making himself appear twice the size of our main ape character? Heh, I bet Kong probably felt real dumb once he realized he'd been scared half to death by the shadow of a pint-sized toddler. But his one-ape campaign against Kong doesn't stop there, as he lulls the big guy into a false sense of security before promptly biting him in the finger, lures him to an idyllic-looking oasis in the hopes of getting that sea-dragon monster to take Kong off his hands, and even guilts Kong into fighting the Skar King to save his oppressed people once he realizes he's stuck with the oaf for the foreseeable future. He's the hero we need and deserve.

It doesn't take Mini-Kong very long to prove his worth, holding up his end of the classic grizzled veteran/young upstart dynamic by saving Kong's butt multiple times. It's Suko who springs the trap that buries the pursuing apes on their tails, gets into the action by going full Hobbit and chucking rocks at enemies in the final battle, and — fine, we'll give Kong this much credit, at least — turns himself into a weapon when Kong hilariously starts flinging the poor little imp around like a baseball bat in their first scene together. I would die for Mini-Kong.

"Godzilla x Kong" is now playing in theaters.