Immaculate Review: Sydney Sweeney's Dour Nun Horror Pic Isn't Having Any Fun

"Immaculate" isn't.

Michael Mohan's new nunsploitation thriller doesn't possess the artistry or thoughtfulness to be a stirring analysis of Roman Catholic sexism, nor does it have the temerity to be an enjoyably trashy, violent, sex-soaked drive-in flick. To be sure, it possesses elements of both arthouse and grindhouse, but Mohan hasn't mastered either, leaving "Immaculate" in a frustrating middle-ground that will please no one. Some may be temporarily distracted by cinematographer Elisha Christian's clever, classy lighting choices — there is a late-film chase through pitch-black catacombs that provides some modest thrills — or by the funereal, liturgical score by Will Bates, but many will surely recognize a B-movie when they see it. 

"Immaculate" clearly wants to be, in its heart, fun/violent and ultra-salacious; it features multiple characters who clumsily wield a nine-inch nail that is said to have once affixed Christ's hand to the cross. There are also multiple scenes wherein star Sydney Sweeney and multiple other nuns take long baths together in an outsize jacuzzi, all wearing diaphanous, see-through bathing gowns. They wash each other's hair and stroke each other's shoulders sensually. This may be the first movie I've seen to feature a wet-habit competition. One might be reminded of the deliberately lascivious, sapphic bathhouse scene in another Sydney Sweeney/Michael Mohan movie, the vastly superior "The Voyeurs." 

And yet "Immaculate" isn't having any fun with its exploitation trappings. It's dour, bleak, and humorless. It feints in the direction of profundity but has little to say. The characters are written terribly, and the dialogue is risible. It will invite a string of laughs, only it will be laughter at the film, not with it. 

Sweeney plays a young nun named Sister Cecilia who has recently taken a gig at a remote Italian convent where very elderly nuns are put into hospice care at the end of their lives. Cecilia doesn't speak Italian, and her backstory is thin; it seems she turned to religion after surviving a near-drowning in a frozen lake. Cecilia seems wholly unfazed by providing end-of-life care for elderly nuns. One might think there'd be conversations about faith, death, and the challenges that come with watching old women die on a daily basis. No, when Cecilia begins her work, there is only a bright montage of folding laundry, laughing, and making friends. Cecilia does have one compatriot, Sister Gwen (Benedetta Porcaroli), but she has even less character. It's a sad state of affairs when "The Nun II" has richer characterization than your movie. 

To everyone's surprise, Cecilia wakes up one morning to find that she is pregnant ... despite abiding by her vow of chastity. It seems that she might have immaculately conceived a child. This instantly makes her a celebrity at the convent, and the local priest (Álvaro Morte) creepily begins to dote on her. It's also at about this point in the movie when audiences learn that the convent is outwardly evil; Cecilia quickly discovers another nun having her tongue chopped off by mysterious red-masked figures that lurk in the shadows. Another nun tries to drown her, and another still throws herself off a roof.

The film then climaxes with violence, blood, and rock-smashing horror. At least "Immaculate" ends well.

Because most audiences have likely seen "Rosemary's Baby," we're perhaps meant to intuit something demonic might be happening, but there are no hints to that effect. It's creepy, but vague. 

I don't require films to broadcast their plot or intentions, mind you. Indeed, I like a good mystery with only vague solutions. But when the final revelation comes in "Immaculate," one will find that it doesn't have much connection, visually or thematically, to what came before. It's a silly twist that could only have been wielded well by a master like Mario Bava or Umberto Lenzi. This is a watered-down rendition of '70s Eurosleaze that lacks the courage of its prurient convictions. 

Even Sydney Sweeney, ordinarily a reliable actress, seems adrift. The film repeats Christ's old sermon-on-the-mount chestnut about the meek inheriting the Earth, but Sweeney's character is so meek as to be insubstantial. It won't be until the film's final bloody scenes that Sweeney will just go for it, wailing and bleeding and encountering various forms of fun horror violence. Sweeney was just seen co-leading "Anyone But You," one of the most successful romantic comedies in years. She may be poised to be a legitimate, audience-drawing movie star. Sadly, missteps like "Madame Web" and "Immaculate" aren't helping her case. 

After the rock scene, though, one can see that she's very game. 

Hidden somewhere in "Immaculate" is a stirring and topical drama about the way male-driven religious institutions claim ownership over women's bodies. Priests long for mastery over women as mere reproductive vessels, aiming to keep their entire gender in an eternally subservient state. Sadly, director Mohan keeps his attention elsewhere, clearly unable to explore salient religious themes. "Immaculate" isn't an "A" production, nor a satisfying "B" movie. It's merely a C-minus.

/Film rating: 4 out of 10