Dan Stevens Touched A Giant Piece Of King Kong's Anatomy For Godzilla X Kong

If you clicked on this article because you saw the headline and thought, "They've gotta be talking about King Kong's King Dong, right?" Boy, do I have the news article for you! We at /Film are embarrassingly excited for Adam Wingard's upcoming "Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire," especially because it's starting to feel like he definitely understands that the "x" is commonly used in fandom spaces to indicate they want the characters to f–get together romantically and pulled a fast one on the execs at Warner Bros. While there's no way in kaiju hell "Godzilla x Kong" is going to take the same approach to the King of the Monsters as "Godzilla Minus One," there's no such thing as too much Godzilla. Serious Godzilla, sentimental Godzilla, a low-budget nonsensical rubber suit Godzilla ... as long as I've got big bois being big, I'm a happy movie fan.

The bisexual lighting shown in the trailer was already something to celebrate, but the addition of Dan Stevens, the star of Wingard's action-thriller "The Guest," has us practically screaming from the rooftops. Stevens is set to star as a co-lead named Trapper, a veterinarian who specializes in the larger-than-life creatures of the Hollow Earth. "If you've got a sick titan, Trap is your guy," Stevens explained to Total Film. "He's brought in to give our man Kong a bit of a hand at the beginning of the movie, and then he finds himself along for the ride."

Total Film asked what "giving a bit of a hand" means — especially since the trailers showed King Kong with a bionic arm — but Wingard played it coy. "It's kind of hard to say too much more than that without spoiling anything because he has one of my favorite intros of any character I've ever shot in my films," the director noted.

Wingard did give a little bit of insight into the character by teasing, "What I will say is I'd want to play with that [action figure] if I was a kid!" so it certainly sounds like Stevens is once again doing what he does best — being the coolest and most charismatic person on screen. Wingard also clarified a little bit of additional information about Kong's arm. "And though Apex isn't in this story in a literal way, we kind of hint that Monarch absorbed a lot of the Apex technology after the last film," he said. "The glove Kong is wearing, it's somewhat insinuated that's Apex technology." So perhaps the "hand" Stevens was talking about is literal, and he'll be involved in some way with giving Kong some extra strength.

"We meet Trapper being extremely up close with Kong," added Stevens. "So for that sequence, they had a giant piece of Kong's ... [laughs] I was going to say a giant piece of Kong's anatomy, but that sounds really wrong," he joked. "They had a real bit of Kong that I had to interact with. That was kind of wild." Okay, so Stevens wasn't probably dealing with King Kong's King Dong, but the Freudian slip was too funny not to highlight. 

Honestly, King Kong's King Dong probably wouldn't even be that large, regardless of his gargantuan size. Most apes actually have pretty small dangles because genital sizes have evolved to increase the possibility of mating, and large gorillas and apes have never had an issue making the beast with two backs. But some absolute legend on Reddit did do the wiener math and we're probably looking at a six-footer all things considered. There, I saved you a very cursed Google search.

"Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire" hits theaters on March 29, 2024.