How To Watch The 2023 Superb Owl

The big day is finally here for twitchers, birders, and ornithologists both professional and amateur. All eyes will be on the skies as the Superb Owl, the greatest of all owls, flies out to cast its feathery shadow over this shivering mortal realm.

Even non-owl enthusiasts (curse their blasphemous hides) know what to expect tonight. Each year the Superb Owl embarks on a world tour before laying a great egg. Then the Superb Owl casts aside its former body by exploding in a fiery ball of feathers and owl fragments, and is born anew from its own egg, thus continuing its eternal life. This event has never been witnessed by human eyes, because the Superb Owl is a very private owl. 

There have been rumors that this year's Superb Owl will be accompanied by some eagles. To save any confusion while you are owl-watching, remember that eagles have ugly pointy faces and the Superb Owl has an elegant flat face. Do not make the mistake of worshipping the wrong bird. There's only one raptor that matters tonight, so here's how you can watch the 2023 Superb Owl.

The Superb Owl is eternal. The beating of its wings stirred the barren dust of this mortal plain long before any other life walked upon it. Its piercing screeches and noble hooty noises will still be heard eons after the last human voice is silenced. They say that the universe hatched from one of the Superb Owl's eggs, and that one day we will all return to its cloaca. Time? The Superb Owl laughs at time, and its laugh is a "hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" that tears the night asunder.

That said, you should keep an eye out for the Superb Owl's arrival at around 6:30 p.m. ET/3:30 p.m. PT.

This is a common and fatal breach of etiquette: do not buy your own snacks for your Superb Owl party. The Superb Owl alone has the right to distribute snacks amongst its favored mortals, and will be greatly angered if it catches you trying to feed yourself. If the owl sees you eating food that you prepared yourself, it will glare at you coldly while bobbing its head up and down. No one wants that.

Instead, signal to the Superb Owl that you are hungry by tipping your head back and saying "eeee!" If you are very lucky, the owl will cough up a pellet of fur and bones from a mouse it digested earlier and drop it into your mouth for a crunchy, savory snack.

'Tis a mark of great disrespect to the Superb Owl to cheapen its sacred day of rebirth by watching its digital simulacra on the world wide web instead of preparing a nest for it yourself. Still, if you would risk the owl's wrath, there is a way to witness its dreadful visage without paying the toll. The necromancers fuboTV and DirecTV (no relation) will each offer you a peek into their scrying bowls for a number of days before they make their claim upon your soul. Simply strike a bargain with one of these wretches before the Superb Owl's arrival, then flee from the necromancer's hut as soon as the owl is gone. Of course, by this point you'll have really annoyed an all-powerful owl and a necromancer, so you should probably lay low for a while.

No.