The Italian Guy Deserved To Be Crushed By The Smokestack In Titanic

(To celebrate "Titanic" and its impending 25th-anniversary re-release, we've put together a week of explorations, inquires, and deep dives into James Cameron's box office-smashing disaster epic.)

On April 12, 1912, Fabrizio De Rossi was crushed to death by one of the smokestacks of the RMS Titanic. To that, I say: good riddance! Fabrizio is a fictional character in James Cameron's romance-disaster epic "Titanic," and gosh is he annoying. As played by Danny Nucci, Fabrizio is the best buddy of Jack Dawson, played, of course, by Leonardo DiCaprio. We first meet Fabrizio when he's playing cards with Jack. They're not playing for money, though. No, the winner of this card game scores two third-class tickets on the Titanic, which, wouldn't ya know it, is getting ready to leave! Hurry up, boys! You'll miss your date ... with destiny. 

After some fakery on Jack's part (he's such a scamp!), the blonde beauty reveals that he in fact won the card game, and he and Fabrizio will be taking those tickets and setting sail for the old U.S. of A. And here is where Fabrizio lets his full colors shine as he stands up, pumps his fists, and yells in the worst Italian accent you'll ever hear, "I GO TO AMERICA!" It's as if Nucci is seconds away from crowing, "It's-a me, Mario!" Inspector Clouseau had a more believable accent than this buffoon. 

Now, I shouldn't be too had on Nucci. One look at Cameron's "Titanic" script reveals he wrote Fabrizio's terrible accent into the dialogue, giving Nucci not much to work with. But gosh is the accent bad, and it only gets worse from there. Later, during Leo's first big "I'm King of the World!" moment, Fabrizio is right by his side. "I can see da Statue of Liberty already!" Fabrizio says. "Very small, of course!" Listen up, Fabrizio: you're not funny, and I'm not laughing at your schtick, especially when you sound like you're about to put on a chef's hat and yell "I make-a da-pizza!" 

Am I being too hard on poor Fabrizio? Perhaps. Perhaps there are die-hard Fabrizio fans out there who were crushed by Fabrizio being crushed. But I'm not one of them, and it's all because I can't get beyond that accent. Look, accent work is tricky, especially if it's the type of broad accent that can easily dip into stereotype territory. Sadly, Nucci's accent does just that. He doesn't sound like a guy from Italy, he sounds like a guy doing a really bad Italian accent; the type of accent a teenager would do while placing a prank call to a fancy restaurant called Nunzio's. 

"Titanic" is a long movie, and it could've been even longer. There's a deleted scene where our pal Fabrizio meets a girl on the ship and falls in love, but Cameron cut it, probably because he realized that no one wanted to hear Fabrizio proclaim "I-a love-a you!" with hearts in his eyes. Besides, there's already a love story at the center of the film, and Fabrizio mostly takes a back seat once Jack gets on the ship and begins falling for Kate Winslet's snobby Rose DeWitt Bukater, a fan of giant hats and fine art. Gorgeous poor person Jack and prim and proper rich girl Rose eventually run into Fabrizio below decks, where he's part of a giant multicultural dance party going on among all the third-class passengers. It's kind of like the big dance orgy from "The Matrix Reloaded," but with more bagpipes.

Any story about the Titanic is a story of doom, and sure enough, the big ass ship hits a big ass iceberg and starts to sink. While first-class women and children flee into lifeboats, third-class passengers like Fabrizio get stuck behind. And like his buddy Jack Dawson, Fabrizio will perish. But while Jack gets to turn into a human popsicle embracing the hand of his beloved, poor Fabrizio's death is far more ignoble. While trying to swim to safety, he's crushed by one of the smokestacks. And Cameron really lingers on this guy's death, too. We get a close-up of Fabrizio's shocked, dumb face yelling "NOO!!!" as the smokestack falls right on his head, thus ending that terrible accent once and for all, unless he took it with him into the afterlife. Come to think of it, "Titanic" ends with Jack and Rose reuniting on the ship with all the ghosts of all the people who perished, including Fabrizio. Meaning Jack and Rose get to spend eternity hearing that accent, heavily implying that they've both ended up in Hell. 

Rest-a in-a peace, Fabrizio, you goon.