Mark Wahlberg's Father Stu Has Been Re-Edited For PG-13 Re-Release, So Bring Those Kids

Mark Wahlberg may have waited seven months instead of the traditional three days, but the end result is the same: He Is Risen! This holiday season, the well-known hamburger salesman and occasional actor is set to return to a theater near you, where he will star in a movie that already came out earlier this year. That's right, your prayers have indeed been answered — "Father Stu" is back and he's got a new subtitle.

After taking half a year to process, Marky Mark has solved the mystery of "Father Stu" and its low box office returns: the faith-based drama was too hardcore for its target audience! So despite a pretty reasonable yield of $21 million against a $4 million budget, the biopic is being re-released in theaters as "Father Stu: Reborn" (a decision that blithely ignores the much funnier option, "Father Stu: Born Again"). This version has been edited down for an MPAA rating of PG-13, as opposed to the original R-rating.

Never mind the fact that you can currently watch this movie at home with your Netflix subscription — God and the MPAA have finally granted their express permission for children to head into theaters for a Friday night hang with "Father Stu." Don't squander this opportunity, heathens. Who knows if Wahlberg will hit us back up in seven months with another rerelease!

Based on a true story, the film sees Wahlberg portraying Father Stuart "Stu" Long, a former boxer who moves to Los Angeles in the hopes of becoming a movie star. One mop commercial later, Stu's showbiz days come to an unceremonious end and he instead sets his sights on Carmen (Teresa Ruiz), a Sunday school teacher who seems immune to his bad-boy charms. So naturally, he stalks *ahem* romantically pursues her to a local Catholic church. Hoping to woo her into a relationship, he starts attending church regularly. Things take a drastic turn when Stu gets into a motorcycle accident and in the aftermath of his recovery, decides to become a Catholic priest and devote his life to helping others.

With its morals and main characters, the faith-based movie is preaching to a very particular choir. But that's a little hard to see throughout the first half of the film. "Father Stu" begins by showing the profane and sleazy man that Stuart was before making his big life change. This is likely the section of the film that's been heavily edited to make it more palatable to a PG-13 audience

According to the content-tracking website Kids-In-Mind, the original cut contained "5 sexual references, 51 scatological terms, 22 anatomical terms, 16 mild obscenities." But the biggest problem of all was the language, which added up to "nearly 40 F-words." Per the MPAA, the re-release, "Father Stu: Reborn" is rated PG-13 "for language, an accident scene, sexual references, some violence, and smoking."

Will watering down his sleazy beginnings dull the impact of his big turnaround when he gets a second chance? That's a question for someone willing to watch not one, but two full-length theatrical versions of this movie. I am not such a person, but godspeed to whoever decides they're up to the task.

In a shocking turn of events, the trailer makes it seem like the movie will be pretty much the same as it was the first time around. In other words, this is like Father Stu's version of "Once Upon a Deadpool" — but minus the very minuscule bonus content. But on the bright side, "Father Stu" now gets to join an elite group of titles re-edited for a PG-13 release. Y'know, like "The Passion of the Christ" and "Deadpool 2."

The bad news is that the new version probably won't include quotable lines like "I know how big you d*** is, son." But the original "Father Stu" will always be around to break our brains with its dialogue.

"Father Stu: Reborn" is set to return to theaters on December 9, 2022. It might be sandwiched between weeks with "Violent Night" and "Avatar: The Way of Water" but so far, that's a weekend without any major wide releases.