Our Way-Too-Early Predictions For Who's Going To Die In The White Lotus Season 2

Mike White's "The White Lotus" is back, and for the second year in a row, there's some trouble in paradise on the horizon. This time, it comes in the form of a corpse floating in the ocean on glamorous housewife Daphne's (Meghann Fahy) last day at the resort, plus what sounds like two more bodies somewhere on the hotel premises.

"The White Lotus" cleverly avoids writing itself into a corner with an opening scene that includes a super-preliminary conversation between resort manager Valentina (Sabrina Impacciatore) and her employee Rocco (Federico Ferrante). In it, Rocco tells her that a guest drowned, as well as that "Salvatore says other bodies have been found." Though he doesn't use the word murder, he does say that "other guests have been killed." This scene is deliciously vague, leaving it unclear whether all of these deaths were accidental or purposeful, whether they were related, and even if they're all confirmed.

Even the number of dead guests is kept vague, with Rocco saying it's "a few." But no matter how unguessable the finale's events may be, that won't stop us from putting on our detective hats to speculate wildly about where all of this could be headed. With six hours still remaining this season, everything could be a clue, or almost nothing at this point could matter. For now, we'll treat each detail from the premiere like it's of the utmost importance, because that's half the fun in watching this show. Here are our way-too-early theories about who might end up face down in the Ionian sea by the time the season ends.

The premiere episode introduces a whole host of interesting new characters, but few are more instantly engaging than the wildly mismatched double date that is Harper (Aubrey Plaza) and Ethan Spiller (Will Sharpe) and Cameron (Theo James) and Daphne Sullivan (Meghann Fahy). The group's attempt to have a pleasant vacation seems doomed from the start, as their sensibilities clash in every way possible from very early on. Harper is a bit of a killjoy, sure, but she also has a heart, whereas finance bro Cameron shows zero signs of empathy throughout the episode — and is apparently friends with Jeff Bezos, which is the biggest red flag of all time.

Their spouses, meanwhile, seem more like peacekeepers. Daphne is an ultra-cool Instagram model type who always has something positive to say, while Ethan is a somewhat awkward presence within the group, caught between the wife he presumably loves and the former college roommate who seems to have some sort of hold on him. Harper is the more antagonistic of the two, but something about the way Ethan's always averting his eyes and smoothing things over makes me wonder if he has some baggage of his own with Cameron. His buddy boldly exposing himself to Harper, who apparently works on sexual harassment cases, also don't help matters.

These four seem like the group most-likely-to-explode for a few reasons, not the least of which is the fact that if all three of them die besides Daphne, that adds up to "a few" bodies. Could something come to a head between Cameron, Ethan, and Harper, leaving two of them dead in their room and one perhaps dying by suicide in the ocean? Honestly, that awkward "Ted Lasso" conversation seems like motivation enough to commit a murder.

Though "The White Lotus" traffics in absurdity much more than predictability, there are a couple of moments in the premiere that feel like clear hints to the season's future — or well-presented red herrings. One is the story of Testa di morro, the local art tradition inspired by a legend about a local woman who cuts off her cheating out-of-towner boyfriend's head. Another is the statement that comes right after that, when Daphne says, "It's a warning to husbands, babe. Screw around and you'll end up buried in the garden!"

Daphne chipperly asserts her interest in true crime later, when she talks about how, according to "Dateline," husbands love to kill their wives while scuba diving and make it look like an accident. While Daphne doesn't seem particularly capable of murder — she doesn't even seem capable of keeping up with current events — she apparently knows how to commit the perfect crime. Upon rewatch, that opening scene shows a man grab her when she runs to shore, and he looks vaguely Theo James-shaped, but so does the extra a few beach chairs down when the scene begins. Could her husband or Ethan be face down in the water, while the other two are dead elsewhere?

If so, her peppy chat with the two vacationers in the cold open seems like the perfect alibi to cover up her revenge on a partner who did her wrong. There's also one more clue that points to her or one of the other people in her party, too: the door that adjoins their two rooms. Harper says they won't use it, but if things do come to a head within this ideologically divided powder keg of a group, that door could be the catalyst for a whole lot of (deadly?) drama.

Would Mike White bring back fan favorite character Tanya McQuoid (Jennifer Coolidge) just to have her kill off her loser-ish new husband Greg (Jon Gries)? I mean, if he knows what Coolidge is capable of as an actress (which, judging by the Emmy she just won, I'd hope he does), of course he could! Season 2 Tanya is already even more of a handful than the grieving, lonely version of the character we met in Hawaii during the first go-round. Now, she's focusing all of her frustratingly erratic and selfish energy on Greg, which means being mad at him for not texting her the second the episode starts, and telling her assistant, Portia (Haley Lu Richardson), to scram.

The biggest indication that Tanya could be capable of causing someone harm, though, comes during the weird love scene she shares with Greg partway through this episode. In it, she starts envisioning mask-like statue heads that look similar to those foreboding Testa di morro busts, then pushes Greg off of her. She blames some pills she took on the plane, but it's a pretty intense moment. She also can't remember if she ate some macarons or not, though it's unclear if that's a memory loss problem or a Greg-being-a-bully problem.

If Tanya's popping pills and is angry at her husband, could that lead to him meeting his fate out at sea? Could Portia end up involved too? I don't think a Tanya-related murder would be the most satisfying narratively, but it would certainly be fun to see Coolidge in killer mode.

The most darkly funny outcome for "The White Lotus" season 2 would be one that leans toward the absurd, like a simple accident. With a bunch of rich, drunk people stumbling around near open waters, it doesn't actually seem that unlikely. We've already seen one fall, after all. Bert (F. Murray Abraham), Dominic's (Michael Imperioli) dad and Albie's (Adam DiMarco) grandpa, took a spill by the pool in this episode and now seems to have an untreated head injury. Couple that with Valentina's (Sabrina Impacciatore) rude assertion that it's impressive Bert even made it there at his age, and you have the setup for a pratfall-based death.

Bert is also the kind of character that a show like this seems to be okay with killing. Season 1 of "The White Lotus" refused to kill off its most frustrating characters, instead opting to end the life of a man who was likable, but also somewhat reckless and out of touch about what's appropriate. Season 2 seems even more interested in the themes of crossing sexual lines, and Bert has already proven himself, if not a letch, at least a virile guy who isn't very in tune with the boundaries of those around him. If flirty old Bert did end up dead in the sea by accident, who would the other bodies be? Well, let's consider adding another absurd layer to all of this: the other two could be wholly unrelated to his demise. Maybe Daphne or Harper will kill Cameron and Ethan in a wholly unrelated plot.

Finally, if we're looking into groups of three, there's a very interesting trio that seems to come into focus during the last moments of the premiere. All episode, we've been left wondering who the precocious local sex worker Lucia (Simona Tabasco) is meeting when she tiptoes around the resort with her friend Mia (Beatrice Grannò). It's only at the hour's end that we realize her date is none other than Dom, the seemingly chill family man who's on vacation after doing something that made his ex-wife scream at him on the phone.

The episode only shows Dom hook up with Lucia, but we see in previews that he ends up popping bubbly with Mia as well. Plus, another trailer shot shows Lucia and Mia at the bar with Cameron and Ethan. Several configurations of these people could lead to "a few" bodies, and almost all of them have that element of infidelity that would callback to the Testa di morro harbinger. The leg we glimpse in the ocean doesn't look Lucia's, but I could see Dom going for a midnight swim with the two girls, only for something to go wrong. 

If his ex thinks he's a flaming trash heap, it's probably for a reason, right? He could end up crossing a line with Lucia and getting killed for it. The girls are resourceful characters, but they also seem like they're looking for fun, not tragedy, and I could see them bailing on a dead john. That wouldn't add up to three bodies, but if he killed them and then stepped into the ocean, it would.

Alas, that would be a really dark ending for a somewhat comedic show. Fingers crossed the body is that total tool Cameron.