Every Main Character In Clerks III Ranked Worst To Best

The original "Clerks" is a cult comedy classic, a movie made for next-to-nothing by first-time director Kevin Smith, starring a bunch of his friends in a convenience store. The sincere yet directionless Dante, who's "not even supposed to be here today," and his motor-mouthed pop culture-obsessed best friend Randal spend most of the movie riffing with each other and the bizarre customers that frequent their Quick Stop. 

This indie darling spawned the View Askewniverse, which includes "Chasing Amy," "Dogma," "Mallrats," "Clerks II," a "Clerks" animated series, and comic book, both "Jay and Silent Bob" movies, and now "Clerks III." So technically, Kevin Smith beat Marvel to the punch regarding interconnected cinematic universes. (Just saying.)

"Clerks III" picks up with Randal and Dante, now middle-aged and not much further ahead in life. Sure they co-own the Quick Stop now, but after a heart attack that nearly kills Randal, he is inspired to make something more of his life, specifically to make a movie of his life. What follows is a meta, hilarious, heartfelt love letter to Kevin Smith fans, loaded with cameos and callbacks. As /Film's own Danielle Ryan put it, this movie is Kevin Smith "at his most mature and emotionally resonant." To celebrate the epic conclusion of Dante and Randal's journey, we ranked every main character, from the funniest to the ones that pull on your heartstrings. Fair warning, mild spoilers ahead. Snootch to the nootch! 

For a quick recap, Emma (played by Kevin Smith's actual wife, Jennifer Schwalbach Smith) was engaged to Dante in "Clerks II." She catches Dante and Becky (Rosario Dawson) kissing and calls the whole thing off. In "Clerks III," she pops up via FaceTime when Dante calls to ask for money under the guise of paying off Randal's medical bills and then again at the end to collect what she's owed. But thanks to a deus ex machina crypto victory, she's tossed a bunch of cash and sent packing.

It's fun that Kevin Smith finds a way to bring back so many characters organically, and we're sure his wife had a blast tearing into Dante. Emma's return fits a recurring theme for Dante as he gets visited by several ex-girlfriend ghosts from his past in the film. It reflects Dante's inability to move on, his lack of commitment, and the people he hurt along the way with his selfish romantic choices. Unfortunately, Emma is utilized more to serve Dante's arc and doesn't have much to do other than be mean and snarky. Still, Kevin Smith always makes his movies a family affair, so we're happy to see them pop up in any capacity.

Auditions are held at the local theater for Randal's script "Inconvenience," and several celebrities pop by to take a crack at playing the leads. They mostly riff on classic "Clerks" lines like, "I'm not even supposed to be here today" in purposefully bad ways. Among the cameos are the Impractical Jokers, Fred Armisen, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Freddy Prinze Jr., Danny Trejo, Anthony Michael Hall, and Melissa Benoist, with the most ridiculous being Ben Affleck as Boston Joe. Affleck riffs on the lines, offers absurd improvs, and does a bad Robert De Niro impression from "Meet the Parents." He's clearly having a blast, and so is the audience. 

This montage may not be the funniest scene in the movie, but it feels like a greatest hits of Kevin Smith's legacy as a filmmaker and the friendships he's made along the way. Smith directed several episodes of "Supergirl," so it's fitting Melissa Benoist would fly by to ham it up. Fred Armisen is his usual deadpan, cringingly hilarious, and awkward self. 

Fans who know the behind-the-scenes rekindling of Affleck and Smith's friendship after his stand-out emotional scene in "Jay and Silent Bob Reboot" will have their cold hearts warmed knowing these two were back on set again. After the world shut down and we all felt disconnected during the pandemic, it feels nice to see so many friends come together to support Smith's return to where it all began. 

The original "Clerks" film is iconic because of the main cast, the sharp writing, and the eccentric customers that frequent the Quick Stop. "Clerks III" brings back nearly every character from the first outing, and it's a delight for long-time fans. Whether it's the cat poop guy, egg inspector, Chewlies Gum rep, angry video store customer, the guy who gets his arm stuck in a Pringles can, a surprise "Mallrats" cameo, or Harley Quinn Smith taking over as the "milkmaid" (a customer that takes out every gallon of milk looking for the latest expiration date), they all stop by to annoy Dante and Randal one last time.

The making of "Inconvenience" section in "Clerks III" balances nostalgia with new jokes peppered in and fun behind-the-scenes bits. An example is a hilarious scene where Jay is nervous about dancing in front of "all those people," referring to a four-person crew. He makes them hit record and go inside so he can dance with no one watching. Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes have recounted this as being 100% true, making the scene even more authentic and funny. 

Both films were made on a small budget, with the original casting almost entirely non-actors. Incredibly, Kevin Smith was able to get all these New Jersey natives to return and reprise their roles. Any fans of the original should be smiling ear-to-ear during this trip down memory lane.

Any time Justin Long appears in a Kevin Smith film, expect things to get absurd. From his role as sassy porn star Brandon St. Randy in "Zack and Miri Make a Porno" (and unofficially in "Jay and Silent Bob Reboot") to his grotesque transformation in "Tusk" and now in "Clerks III" as a nurse with the worst bedside manner. Some of the biggest laughs come from Randal's near-death experience in the hospital. While suffering from a widow-maker's heart attack, he's more preoccupied with the fact that he has to take his pants off. Justin Long's nurse is all business and unsympathetic to Randal's insecurity. 

Justin Long barrels into the scene with a bizarre, tight-lipped accent, explaining the doctor will need to see Randal's entire groin to perform the procedure. Randal is worried because he's told Dante for years that he has a huge ... groin, and he's been lying. Long offers to give him more privacy and hysterically moves the ER curtain less than a seat reclines on Spirit Airlines. He overplays the brashness of the nurse just enough without tipping into a full-on cartoon character. As with many scenes in this movie, there is an infectious feeling of fun and camaraderie, so even when you're not bursting with laughter, you're brimming with a big goofy grin. 

Austin Zajur ("Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark," "Mythic Quest") plays Blockchain Coltrane, Elias' follower in Christ, crypto, and Satan. Most of the humor from Blockchain comes from his numerous and utterly bonkers costume changes as he and Elias go deeper into their newfound devotion to the dark lord. There's a reference to him being Elias' Silent Bob, and it feels like that's what Kevin Smith is going for, a Silent Blockchain, if you will.

Austin dating Kevin Smith's daughter (Harley Quinn Smith) in real life adds an extra layer of comedy to the role. Fellow dads may interpret the various ludicrous outfits Smith makes Austin dawn as a playful way to troll his daughter's boyfriend. Whether that's the case or not, the results are increasingly funnier with each new wardrobe change. Austin goes from looking straight out of "The Book of Mormon" to ripped from a Tim Burton movie to a rejected extra from A Flock of Seagulls music video. He may be a man of few words and not reach the iconic status of his silent predecessor, but there's still a lot of fun with Blockchain Coltrane.

Randal's heart surgeon (Amy Sedaris) appears dressed as a witch, straight from a costume ball. She tells Randal they have to act quickly, rattling off a rollercoaster of zingers like, "I just wish I wasn't so hungover," reassuring Randal he'll be fine and immediately turning to the nurse: "He's not gonna make it." In surgery, Randal's hang-up on his nether regions is hashed out, "The Mandalorian" is name-dropped, and Sedaris saves his life, thus propelling the rest of the movie into motion.

Even though Sedaris is only in a few scenes, she steals every single one. The witch costume makes absolutely no sense since there's no indication it's Halloween, but the non-sequitur is what makes it even funnier. Sedaris relishes every bit of it, cackling like the Wicked Witch of the West. The banter about Randal's lack of size in a particular area is hilarious, with Sedaris even calling out that the longer he's hung up on what's not hanging, the less time she has to save his life. Amy Sedaris is a national treasure, capable of broad comedic choices that still feel grounded, and these scenes perfectly showcase just that.

Veronica (Marilyn Ghigliotti) was Dante's girlfriend in the original "Clerks." His hang-ups on her sexual past (specifically the number 37) and his own inability to commit ultimately ended their relationship. In "Clerks III," Veronica returns after reading Randal's script and is not happy. She storms out of the Quick Stop, and Dante follows her. They have a charming heart-to-heart about failed relationships and loss in her car. Veronica suggests they have their own "quick stop" for old times' sake.

Kevin Smith brings Veronica back but doesn't settle for simply rehashing old jokes. He shows that just like he has grown up, so has Veronica. She has a family now, a life. She doesn't want to have her youthful promiscuity made into a punch line. She's another metaphorical ghost of Dante's romantic past, reminding him of his past mistakes, regrets, and intermittent joy. Their hook-up doesn't feel like a throwaway joke but more like two lost souls briefly reconnecting. It's crass but sweet — everything we love about Kevin Smith movies.

Spoilers ahead for the character of Becky, who does return for "Clerks III," but in a way that surprised even Rosario Dawson. In the film's first few minutes, the audience gets a gut-punch reveal that Becky died. To recap, Becky was the manager at Mooby's and developed a relationship with Dante throughout "Clerks II," even revealing she's pregnant after they had a one-night stand. In "Clerks III," we learn that their hopes of starting a family were cut short by a drunk driver. Becky returns to guide Dante through his current crisis. While she doesn't appear as a full-on Force Ghost, there are definite Obi-Wan vibes afoot, going full circle with Kevin Smith's "Star Wars" obsessed characters.

Rosario Dawson's character only pops up in a few scenes, but in every one of them, she brings warmth, maturity, and wisdom to Dante's man-child-filled life. Fear not for those worried that Becky has gone soft and is still pining for Dante in Heaven. She's having the time of her life, hooking up with all sorts of famous dead people. Yes, ghost orgies are funny, but it also plays into the message she's trying to give Dante. He needs to move on. One of the main themes in "Clerks III" is aging and losing people; how heavily that weighs on us, but we have to keep going. Dawson reminds Dante and the audience of that. There's also a tear-jerking scene in an empty movie theater that we won't dare spoil. Bring tissues.

Elias was Randal and Dante's born-again Christian and "The Lord of the Rings" obsessed coworker at Mooby's in "Clerks II." Subjected to endless theological debates and Randal's hilarious take-down of "The Return of the King," he's now working as a clerk at the Quick Stop. Elias has gone full servant of J.C. and NFTs with his Christ and Crypto company and his silent pal, Blockchain Coltrane. After praying that God smites Randal, who has a heart attack mere seconds later, Elias panics in the hospital waiting room. He decides he has to turn to a new master to help save Randal ... so he becomes a born-again Satanist. 

The actor playing Elias, Trevor Fehrman, quit acting shortly after "Clerks II," but he's back and having the time of his life. As mentioned with Blockchain, the costume changes are where the comedy hits new heights with this duo, but Elias gets to tackle more than just quick changes. He starts with his foot planted firmly on the gas, and his choices may be a bit too big for some viewers, but the further down the dark path he goes, the more subtle and hilarious his performance gets. It's an uproarious journey into darkness that deserves its own spin-off.

It's not a "Clerks" movie without Jay and Silent Bob, and both return in peak comedic form. Silent Bob's energy is the perfect yin to Jay's over-the-top yang. Jay and Silent Bob now own the video store next to the Quick Stop, which has been turned into a weed dispensary. They still stand outside and make customers jump through hoops to buy drugs because, as Jay puts it, "That's how we did it in the '90s, son!" Silent Bob is hired to be the director of photography of Randal's movie and goes off on a hilarious rant as to why he will only shoot this movie in black and white. It's meta to the max.

A man of few words and still hilarious after all these years. Jay and Silent Bob are one of the most iconic Gen X comedy duos. Kevin and Jason's real-life friendship truly shines through with this pair. Instead of growing stale over the years, they grow more in step with each other. There's an ease and authenticity to the silliness. Kevin Smith has never been shy about his shortcomings as a filmmaker, making it much more endearing when he calls himself out. Some legacy sequels go negative with their meta-commentary like "The Matrix: Resurrections," and it can seem almost like a slap in the face. The meta nature of "Clerks III" feels like a friend you haven't seen in over a decade giving you a big bear hug.

Dante has always been the unsung hero of the "Clerks" saga. He doesn't get to spout Randal's long-winded comedic rants nor the high-spirited (pun intended) antics of Jay and Silent Bob, but he's the emotional bedrock. Since we last saw Dante at the end of "Clerks II," he has suffered an unimaginable tragedy and has found it impossible to move on. It's not until nearly losing Randal that he realizes his life has more meaning than he thought. He reluctantly takes on the job of producing Randal's movie and shepherding his friend's vision to reality.

The dramatic weight of this movie rests almost entirely on Dante's shoulders, and luckily Brian O'Halloran is up to the task. Dante has some beautiful and emotional moments with Becky's not-Force ghost. There's also an eruptive argument between Randal and Dante that feels very authentic to friends who have been together for decades. A very poignant moment at the end showcases some of O'Halloran and Kevin Smith's best work. But before you think Dante's entire role is just one big ugly cry fest, it's not. He's sarcastic, jaded, supportive of his ridiculous friends, and still "not supposed to be here today."

Even though the characters of Jay and Silent Bob haven't grown, the actors and their onscreen chemistry have. Jay is back and up to his same old shenanigans. Selling weed (now legally), rolling the biggest blunts imaginable, and even meta-mocking his catchphrases like "Snootchie Bootchies!" Some of the biggest laughs in the movie come from Jay either misunderstanding what another character said or chiming in with something unexpected. His Wolverine-clawed weed sale (see above) to Mooby's employees is another hysterical bit.

Jason Mewes is a one-of-a-kind person and comedian. He is so singularly himself in this role that there can be no imitation. He's only settled into the persona and grown more comfortable in his skin as the movies go on. As we find out in the making of "Inconvenience," Jay was so nervous about dancing for the first take that he made Kevin Smith and everyone leave. This hilarious real-life behind-the-scenes anecdote plays out gloriously in the sequel. Jason and Kevin's decades-long real-life and cinematic friendship wafts off the screen like an excellent contact high.

Randal always gets the most memorable rants in the "Clerks" franchise. Whether it's about the Death Star's independent contractors blown up by Luke in "Return of the Jedi" or debating diehard J.R.R Tolkien fans about how "The Lord of the Rings" is all about people walking for three movies, he is infinitely quotable. Here he gets to rant about religion, mortality, art, and more. After Randal's heart attack, he has to grapple with whether his life has meant anything, leading him to decide to make a movie. He spends most of the film in a selfish, artistic haze, but eventually realizes that the real hero has always been his best friend, Dante.

Jeff Anderson has always had an ease to his portrayal of Randal, but there's never been this much under the surface. In "Clerks III," Randal experiences genuine emotions, confronting his near-death experience and his regrets from living as a spectator. Anderson brings some solid dramatic acting to his typically detached character, and his comedic chops have only grown as well. Randal is the beating heart of this movie and has a moment near the end that will make grown men cry. The choice to make a character who's treated everything in life as a punchline and make him confront death head-on was a brilliant move by Kevin Smith.